TITLE : Stigmatized
AUTHOR : Arlyn Jayde
EMAIL :
PAIRING : Kim Tae-Young/Kim Nam-Il
RATING : NC-17
ARCHIVE : Football Fiction Archive, anyone else ask first
DISCLAIMER : Don't own them, don't know them, don't sue me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES : Who would ever have thought this possible? Not me. Blame Uke.

I'm filing past the candle shrine
That burns on every night for someone
He lets himself go like an angel in the snow
He lays down on his back, down on his back he goes

Unwinding past the candle shrine
That melts into the street design he waits, for someone
Tonight he'll give himself away he'll break apart
All by himself, so easy how we've come undone

Take me over when I'm gone
Take me over make me strong
Take me over when I'm gone
Will it burn for me

He pulls me in and strips me down
He pulls me in and turns me out
He pulls me in and strips me down to the ground

"Candleburn" - Dishwalla
*lyrics slightly altered in gender terms, used without permission*

Outside your window snowflakes drift, frosting over the city in a haze of white, the night cold and clear and beautiful. We stand together looking out, the city lights sparkling far beyond, holding hands in a deep, dark silence. On the table a single candle burns, its golden flicker the only light in the entire room. It will burn on, it will burn on until the night is over, and hopefully when it finally dies, it will take along with it our troubles.

One night cannot make everything right.

One night does not put an end to a year's sorrow.

But tonight we can start something new, you and I, and our loved ones are waiting elsewhere in the city, knowing that the next time we see them, everything will be different. Hopefully, for the better.

Would it help, I once asked you. Would it hurt, you said to me. I hope not.

"Look.." you say, pointing a slender finger heavenwards. "The stars."

Above us the skies are glittering, a velvet darkness embedded with tiny jewels, and I smile as they twinkle down upon us.

"Are they telling us something, you think?" I ask.

"Perhaps.." You smile faintly. "They are telling us that it is time."

With this you take my hand close to your face and lets it rest against your cheek, then you tilt your head slightly to kiss it across the knuckles, and I never take my eyes off you the entire time. Even in the dimmest light you glow, a burning spirit that refuses to die. Had you been a weaker man, perhaps we would not be here now. Had I been a stronger man, we would not be here now, either. But all is done now. Nothing can undo it.

When you move closer to me my arms take their natural course around your body, holding it tight against my own. The illness has taken away some of your bulk, and though you stand slightly taller than I am you still feel so delicate in my embrace. In your eyes I see many things, because you hide nothing from me now. There I see your burning determination, your slight reluctance, your expectation, your excitement..but I see no fear. Perhaps, like you said, the fear is more within me now than you.

The doubt that begins to stir within me is quelled by the smile on your lips, and it isn't long before those lips are on mine, opening up slightly to welcome me in the kiss. I hold you tighter and kiss you warmly, determined to take everything as slow as I possibly can, because I know I might never get a chance to do this again. The pliant flesh of your mouth is heated and willing, your body starting to react to the intimacy.

This could've been us perhaps two years ago, when you were still that tall and scrawny kid with little more than a head full of dreams and a heart full of spirit. Strange that it didn't take that course then, stranger still that I never even thought about it until now. Perhaps we would've been good for each other once, before the grand adventure began, before everything I did that nearly tore us both apart. Before your little one walked into your life, before my angel came into mine.

But this is now, and it is really happening. Slowly you pull yourself away from me and tug me along to follow you, as we sit down on the same place where we sat not long ago, when we had first talked about this. I resented the idea of doing it in your bedroom-that was someone else's domain, and I don't want to invade on it.

By the dim candle's burn we move, shedding clothes one by one, and I feel your kiss on my bare shoulder as my hands travel along your strong back. I have thought of this often, talked about it, and I once thought I would be in mortal fear or in great doubt when we finally get down to this. But I'm not. Perhaps it's the fact that your face shows none of these emotions is what is helping me along.

Your skin is worn and marked with bruises too numerous too count, but still you are beautiful. A rugged, youthful charm emanating from your being, as my hands explore and my lips are delicately finding their way across your ear. Slowly you push me down until my head rests against the cushion and yours is hovering over mine, and the light flickers on your skin as you smile and lower yourself to me, kissing me again.

The sheer ease by which everything seems to flow is at first surprising, but ultimately it gives me great comfort to know that neither of us will wake up feeling like this was something we shouldn't have done. I am wide awake, all my senses alert and registering, and I see clearly who I'm with, where I am, and what I'm doing.

Slowly we move together, painting shadows on the ceiling, touching and feeling and getting to know each other on a level we have never had a chance to explore before. My lips dart across your chest, tasting the pliant flesh as I feel you tucking my head under your chin, your breath coming in soft gasps that I hear clearly in the stillness of night. Your weight is settled on top of me, warmth turning into heat, heat that burns within us as this candle does beside us.

To know that you are willing to trust me even as I continue to doubt myself is a source of great assurance for me, because without it I know things will be much worse. It's only now, in this intimate moment, do I begin to understand. I understand now that you want our friendship back, our trust, not just for our own good but also for the ones whe love.

You want me to be happy as much as you want it for yourself, and with our happiness will come theirs. I will be able to love him without the ever-present fear of losing him, the fear that arises out of my guilt and self-loathing, the feeling that I don't deserve him. And you will be free of the burden you've carried with you for more than a year, and your little one will rejoice in your freedom.

I watch as our hands meet, our palms brushing across each other, your bony digits threading the weathered lines that some believe to foretell our destiny. What do you see there, what do you feel? Can you tell me? Was it our destiny to have to come through so much pain, so much fear before we finally come down to this moment, to this night?

Then your fingers move between mine and they close upon my hand, squeezing it gently as you smile and the candle flickers across your eyes.

"I am ready now.."

Nodding my head I slowly begin to turn us over, making sure your head falls gently on the cushion as the pulse in my veins quickens. So we have chosen this path, hoping that it will help. Hoping that it brings us closer, at the very least. That by doing this I regain the trust I once had in myself, overcome that lurking beast that is the fear that I might hurt you the same way I once did.

"Whenever you want me to stop, just say it.." I say, my voice faltering.

If anyone is showing any sign of reluctance it's definitely me, but it was something I had to say. Once, I didn't stop, not even when you asked, and I want to assure myself more than anyone that it will never happen again. It is hard for me not to think of that night, however vague my memories are, as we lay here with you underneath me, and I know the unease is showing on my face.

But you reach up to touch me, to cup my head gently in your hands and offer me the smile that is full of assurance, and you softly mutter. "It's okay..don't be afraid."

How strange it is that you are the one saying these things..especially considering the circumstances that had led us here in the first place. I try to shun those thoughts as far away towards the back of my mind as I can, repeating over and over that I this to myself, that I have to show myself the forgiveness he's so generously shown. The wall has not crumbled, it has vanished.

I lean down to kiss a fine trail down your neck, worrying tiny bits of flesh between my lips before letting them go, allowing my instincts to take over as you lie pliant and open beneath me, your fingers in my hair. The skin of your chest glows by the candle light, and I map out every inch of it with my mouth, hearing the soft moan coming from you as I take one of your nipples between my teeth.

I reach the pucker of your navel and gently lower my tongue into it, feeling the heat of your arousal against my chest. Your lower body undulates, urging me on, as my hands travel up your thighs and settle along the curve of your hips.

I stop every now and then to look at your face, to see if your eyes show any fear, or doubt, or pain. But your smile is the only thing that greets me each time, and as I slowly offer my two fingers up to your face, you waste no time in taking them into your mouth, wetting them thoroughly. You lock eyes with me the entire time, words no longer needed, as I feel your saliva coating my fingers and being stroked by your tongue.

When I retract my hand you lie yourself down on the pillow and shift your legs open, a gesture that makes my heart pound hard inside my chest. My fingers are trembling as they slowly travel down your body and my eyes follow them, from the nest of black curls from which your hard member extends, down the pouch of your balls and further down to your entrance. Taking a deep breath, I let my fingers rest against the tiny opening, my head swimming as I realize what I'm about to do.

One of your hands is stroking my forearm assuringly, and your smile remains unchanged. Resigning, I slowly beging to push one finger inside, feeling the flesh yield under my gentle touch, and then I start to sink inside. Your heat is incredible, and your eyelids flutter as I push further, slowly burying my finger up to my knuckle. Once again, your face shows no sign of pain, just a dreamy smile I take as a sign that everything is alright.

"Does it hurt?" I ask, just because I feel like I have to.

You shake your head. "Not at all. Keep going..please."

Complying, I move in deeper, gathering my courage as I slowly curve the tip of my finger, not really knowing what to expect. When I feel a nub of flesh under my touch I gently press on it, and my reward is a strangled gasp from your throat.

"Feels good.." You say before I have any chance to doubt myself. "Do it again.."

I do as you say, realizing that it must be a long, long time since anyone did this to you. Doubtless you've done it before, given your calmness, but that was probably even before I knew you. I can say for sure you don't put yourself in this position with your little one, at least not yet. You seem to react intensely to every little move, every little stimulus my finger gives you, and as you throw your head back agains the cushion your breath begins to race, your mouth hanging open.

"Tae-Young.." you whisper faintly. "Tae-Young.."

My name. My name being said through your lips. Lips that are smiling, your each breath heavy with desire and your eyes half-lidded, your hands falling limp at your sides. I still myself for long moments, trying to burn the image inside my mind forever, trying to preserve the sensation of hearing your voice saying my name, despite all odds, saying it with affection and caring.

Before long I regain my confidence, and my movements inside you pick up pace, before I try to add another finger, asking for your permission first and getting your affirmative nod. While I cannot so easily reach your magical little spot with two fingers, it is necessary that I use them to further prepare you. You seem lost in the sensation, your eyes now shut tight as your breathing quickens, the heat of your exhale creating faint billows of white that fall back like dew drops on your face. Your entire body is gleaming with a sheen of sweat, golden in the candle light, beautiful and alive and..wanting.

Wanting me.

I pull my fingers out and slide one hand under each of your knees, slowly lifting them up. You help by raising them high and allowing your ankles to rest on my shoulders, the weight of your strong legs reduced to nothing out of the sheer anticipation that burns inside of me. I lean down to kiss you and you welcome it, your lips hungrier than they've been all night, loosening my inhibitions.

I release your lips and draw back to look into your eyes, and they are wide and alert and beautiful. Your hands are cupping my face gently and your lips are smiling, that same warm and assuring gesture that has sustained me all this time, through my doubts and guilt and everything else, whether it be yours or his. The two of you have no idea how much your smiles, your warmth and your beauty has helped me.

I straighten up, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for what I'm about to do. Slowly I move forward, feeling the head of my erection pressed against your entrance, for a while remaining there before your flesh begins to yield, and I begin to sink inside.

Once the head is encased within your tight heat I stop, stilling myself as I allow you to get accustomed to my girth. Your eyes are shut tight, and for a while I worry that you're in pain. But when they open up again I feel your hands gripping my arms pulling me in closer to you.

"It doesn't hurt.." you whisper in reassurance. "It's just that..you're quite..big."

"I'll wait.." I reply, my voice croaking from its lack of use. "Just tell me."

"No, you don't have to stop." you shake your head slowly. "It's okay.."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. We'll be okay.."

With your words echoing in my ears I start to move forward again, finding you more open with every inch, the intimate slide of flesh against flesh as I finally find myself buried fully inside, your heat clamped around me tightly.

Your hand reach up to my face again and bring it down to yours, and this time you kiss me with all abandon, your tongue frenetically wrestling mine as you arch your hips up to me, signaling for me to start moving. Not letting go of your lips, I start to pull back slightly before pushing inside again, with much more ease, and a moan travels from your mouth into mine, your entire body shuddering.

With each second I lose more and more of my restraint and begin to move with more ease, more freedom. You help me along by holding me close to you, whispering my name in my ears, tiny noises at the back of your throat that lets me know that you are loving this, loving this just as much as I am.

It is only now, that I allow myself to do away with the confines of doubt and realize that it all comes down to the fac that I'm here, making love to you, this beautiful person, can I begin to truly relish the experience. I allow my senses to overwhelm me, allow the pleasure to take first priority, let the worry and anxiety diminish, let everything go.

Between our bodies I feel your own arousal slicking our stomachs, and I can feel that you are close to your release. My movements become more focused, more intense, as I thrust inside you and feel you squirm underneath me. I slip my arms underneath your back and embrace you-I want to be holding you tight when the moment finally comes, so that not a single whisper of air passes between us.

With our lips tangled once again my hands are kneading the flesh of your back, sweat slicking my movements, and I hear the whimpers you make growing louder, quicker, signaling your imminent climax. Forcing myself to complete stillness, I release your lips and oull back-so that I can see your eyes.

The first spurt hits my stomach and your eyes are wide open, pupils dilating slightly as a long, sustained moan escapes your lips. I watch you, I watch your expression while you come, holding you tight as wave after wave pour out of you, your inner muscles clamping around me and making me shiver. You are beautiful, did you know that?

When your tremors subside and your head slowly falls back against the cushion, your eyes fluttering shut, I resume my movements, knowing that it will only be a matter of seconds before I join you. Your hands travel down my body, finding the back of my thighs and gripping them, as if urging me on. I move harder, biting down on my lip as the bloodrush begins to course through my veins, telling me that the time has come.

"Inside.." you whisper weakly. "I want to feel you..inside."

Nodding my head, I give you one last, hard thrust and feel my entire being shiver as the intense climax rips through me. I pour into you, drenching you within, my vision turning into a haze as my ears are pounding, an entire night's worth of feelings, an entire month's worth of pain, flooding out of me.

When I regain my vision it is only because your fingers have cleared away what I then reliaze to be tears. And your face is the first thing that I see, a delicate little smile welcoming back into the world. Don't ever stop smiling at me. Don't ever stop smiling at me like that, don't ever stop assuring me that I am forgiven, that I am saved..that I am loved. Because you know I would've given my life away if it would undo what I did to you, but you gave me this chance to come to terms with it in our own way..

Spent, and yet so unspeakably relieved, I pull out of you gently, both of us moaning slightly at the loss. Our bodies are panting as I lower my head onto your chest, your arms drawing me in. The gentle kiss on my forehead soothes me as the last waves begin to ebb, as everything returns to me.

On the table the candle has burned halfway, melting into clumps of white that pool at its feet, overflowing the tiny holder and staining the glass. Outside the window it is still snowing, and I know even without looking that the stars are still up there, still twinkling as bright as it did when we stood there watching.

I don't know how much time passes until I finally lift my head off your chest and glance into your eyes once more, seeing the expectant look, the satisfaction, the warmth..and the trust. The trust.

"Thank you.." I whisper.

"No need to thank me." you say softly. "No need at all."

I take one of your hands in mine and bring it between our faces, watching once again as our fingers interlace in the golden light, as your eyes gleam between them, as we hold on to each other tightly and say with our gestures what our words will never describe.

"From now on.." you say. "You and I will be better friends than we've ever been."

I nod my head, not trusting myself to speak. You bring my hand close to you and lays it down on your chest, where I feel your heart beating against my palm.

"It's here now..feel it?" you smile at me. "You've given it back to me. It's here again.."

"What is?"

"My trust in you." You say.

Feeling a fresh surge of heat into my eyes I pull you into my embrace and hug you tightly, burying my head in your shoulder, as we begin to roll over slowly and I end up underneath you, with your weight resting on top of me. You hold me back just as tightly and I feel my tears wetting your shoulder, the tears of sheer relief that I have been wanting to shed ever since I found out just what I'd done to you.

"It's okay.." you whisper in my ears. "Everything's going to be okay now.."

For once not empty words but ones I can truly believe in, as I lay here holding you in my arms, knowing that all the pain and suffering I put myself through in the past month or so has been well worth it, for once feeling that I've served my time, paid my dues, survived the tests and the punishments and have come full circle.

We continue to hold onto each other like this as the long hours of the night passes, as you reach to find a waiting blanket and spread it over our bodies covering us with warmth. The last thing I see before my eyes close is the soft, golden flicker of the candle on the table, and then the darkness comes over me.

My sleep is peaceful, dreamless, the passage of time flowing through my subconscious as night begins to fade and the dawn rises slowly. When my eyes open again the sun is still low, but everything is already bright and white with winter's chill outside. On the table I see that the candle has burned through, melted down completely, its light taken over by the sun. And then I look down my body and see that your head is still resting on my chest, your expression peaceful.

Smiling, I lean down to kiss your forehead and feel you begin to stir. It isn't long before your eyes open, blinking against the light as your forehead creases, but then you look at me and you return my smile.

"Morning."

"Good morning.." I say. "Did you sleep well?"

You nod slowly, rubbing the corners of your eyes.

"I have to go.." I whisper. "He is waiting."

"I know."

You roll off me and sit back as I retrieve my clothes from the floor and put them back on, your eyes watching my every move. As I move to put on my shoes you stand up and begin collecting your own clothes, along with the blanket, and then you walk away carrying the bundle in your arms towards your bedroom as I reach for my coat.

When you return you're already clothed, and silently we both walk towards the door, you opening it up for me as I step outside. Turning around to face you once again, I start to think about what to say-it seems only proper that I say something, but I fail to find the words. Sensing my unease you smile and lay a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Go to him.." you say. "You belong there."

Nodding my head, I turn around and begin walking away, not turning around to look back. The night is over, the day is young, and my steps are lighter than they have been for the past month. We've gotten through it, you and I, with the help and encouragement of our loved ones, and I will never ever forget what happened between us last night, the promises made though unspoken, and I can honestly say that I too, in my own special way, love you.

The city has barely stirred awake as I drive through the snowy roads, a short trip that still seems too distant as my longing grows within me. The further I drive, the more intense it becomes, the sense of shifting from one place to another, knowing that someone is waiting.

I arrive and quickly make my way up, reaching my door with my hand already in my pocket for the key. I step inside quietly, not wanting to make any noise, and I see that his coat is hanging by the door, the feeling of his presence alone enough to make my heart beat faster.

I go to the bathroom first, relieving myself and cleaning myself of any residue left from last night, looking in the mirror and noticing that the man standing there looking back at me is a different man that the one I'm used to-he looks more at peace now, more in terms with himself, more knowing of what goes own within him.

The door of the bedroom is slightly ajar, and when I step inside the sight I behold almost brings me down to my knees. There he sleeps, bathed in the golden light of morning, pale skin and rosy lips, long-lashed eyes and slender frame, my heavenly gift. I make my way towards the bed and crawl on, sneaking underneath the covers as I press my chest against his back, letting my hand drape over him and settle against his stomach. He stirs slightly, and the first thing he does is hold my hand with his own, pressing it against his body.

"You're back.." he whispers, his eyes remaining closed.

"I am." I kiss his shoulder lightly.

"Is it done?"

Dragging my nose along the blackness of his hair, I squeeze his hand tighter and nod. "It is done."

A long exhale escapes him. "Then you are free."

Smiling, I kiss the back of his neck lightly. "We both are.."

His eyes are still closed, but his lips begin to curl into a little smile. "I love you.."

"I know." I say. "I couldn't have done it without you, if you hadn't understood.."

"I understood-and I always will." he assures me gently. "Always."

I close my eyes hold him tighter as sleep once again comes over me. Outside the day is slowly starting and the sun is bright, a new day that is unlike any other new day I have ever experienced in my life. Indeed, I belong here.

~FIN~