TITLE : Gentlemen's Agreement 13 - Day After Tomorrow
AUTHOR : Arlyn Jayde
EMAIL :
PAIRINGS : Various
RATING : NC-17
ARCHIVE : Football Fiction Archive, anyone else ask first.
DISCLAIMER : Don't know them, don't own them, don't sue me.
SUMMARY : Closure comes in many shapes and forms...

Please tell me why do birds sing when you're near me
Sing when you're close to me
They say that I'm a fool for loving you deeply
Loving you secretly

Please tell me why can't I breathe when you're near me
Breathe when you're close to me
I know you know I'm lost, loving you deeply
Loving you secretly

But I crash in my mind, whenever you are near
Getting deaf, dumb and blind, just drowning in despair
I am lost in your flame, it's burning like the sun
And I call out your name, whenever you are gone

"The Day After Tomorrow" - Saybia

June 9th 2003
15.10 p.m.

"When is he going to arrive?"

"Tomorrow."

Lee Chun-Soo could hardly hide his frustration. Here they were,
three days away from an all-important match with Argentina, each
player determined to make up for the team's uninspired performance
against Urugay, and now..this.

"Who made this decision?" he asked angrily. "Who the hell approved it?"

Across the room, Choi Sung-Kuk made a helpless shrug of his
shoulders. "The KFA, of course..but if you ask me, they were
pressured into this by the public."

"The public. Ha." Chun-Soo threw up his arms. "Always the public.
Always eager to please the public, always finding ways to get more
people into the stadiums, more ticket money."

"Chun-Soo.."

"This is stupid. This is way stupid." Chun-Soo went on. "In any
other country, something like this can't possibly happen."

Sung-Kuk leaned heavily against the wall and crossed his arms in
front of himself. He hadn't liked the news either, but Chun-Soo
seemed especially pissed off by it.

Following the loss to Uruguay, apparently there was a growing
sentiment in the public that the team was in dire need of
inspiration. The thought of another loss to Argentina seemed
unbearable, especially with Japan playing against the same country
just a day before. The public seemed unable to stomach the idea of
their eternal rivals performing better than them against Argentina,
and people grew desperate.

That desperation materialized itself into a flood of e-mails
directed to the website of the Korean armed forces, each one with
more or less the same message: demanding, begging, and pleading
that Ahn Jung-Hwan be allowed to leave his mandatory military
service for two days to be able to play against Argentina.

"Do they think he's some kind of magic fix? That if he plays, all
our problems will be over?" Chun-Soo said. "Are they stupid enough
to believe that one man, one man who hasn't been training with the
squad for weeks, will be able to save us?"

"They're desperate." Sung-Kuk muttered lowly. "They want us to win."

"They want quick results, that's what they want." Chun-Soo snapped.
"They want June 2002 to perpetuate itself, repeat its glory over
and over again, never mind the fact that we're nurturing a new
team, under a new coach, using a new system."

"Chun-Soo.."

"They just don't want to know." Chun-Soo continued. "They don't
even go to the league matches, they don't support the clubs, they
just put on a red shirt every now and then when a big opponent
comes into town and they expect us to win, every time!"

He was irate now, and Sung-Kuk couldn't quite blame him. The news
had come shortly after they finished their morning training, having
worked hard these past two days to improve their attack. Sung-Kuk
could sense them improving, little by little, he could feel them
building up steadily into an attacking force that could do some
damage even against the likes of Argentina, and now..this.

All that hard work getting a rewarded by a slap in the face that
told them that the public didn't trust them to get the goals they
needed, and that they wanted some sort of talismanic pretty boy to
do the job for them. And the KFA apparently agreed. So did the
armed forces, for that matter, as preposterous as it seemed.

Fuck preposterous, this is South Korea. Where hero-worship runs
rampant all the way to the upper levels of government.

"Can you imagine what the rest of the world will think when they
hear of this?" Chun-Soo muttered. "And they will hear of it, I'm
telling you."

"I know."

"This country is technically still at war, and yet its armed forces
so readily succumb to the will of a million teenage girls who are
so desperate to see their darling idol on the pitch that they
refuse to have just the tiniest bit of faith in the rest of the
team.." Chun-Soo said. "Under different circumstances, I'd be
laughing."

But neither of them were.

"You honestly think this is not going to work?" Sung-Kuk had to
ask. "What if they're right?"

"They're wrong." Chun-Soo said, his voice sharp. "Jung-Hwan won't
save us. He can't save us. Only we, the whole team, can save us."

"And if he ends up scoring?"

Chun-Soo snorted cynically. "He won't. Mark my words, he won't."

Sung-Kuk narrowed his eyes. "How can you be so sure?"

"He's been off the game, and off the team, for too long. This isn't
even the same team that went to Tokyo and beat Japan last week."
Chun-Soo explained. "He's only going to have one day to adjust.
There just isn't enough time."

"Argentina doesn't seem to need much time, either." Sung-Kuk commented.

Chun-Soo drew himself up into his full height and gave him a
sardonic smile. "A great footballing nation is like that, Sung-Kuk.
You gather your players on a short notice, yank them from their
clubs all over the world, put them together, and everything will
work out just fine because everybody knows exactly what they're
doing."

He approached Sung-Kuk then, pausing just on the periphery of the
younger player's personal face, leaning in close to him.

"But we are *not* a great footballing nation, Sung-Kuk. We may want
to believe that we are, but we're a long way from it." His voice
became low and filled with disgust. "And if the current trend is
any indication, we've just taken a step backward."

Sung-Kuk said nothing as Chun-Soo pulled back from him, intently
studying the frustrated look on his roommate's face.

"It's not his fault, you know." Sung-Kuk said. "I don't think he
likes it any more than we do."

"I know it's not his fault." Chun-Soo said tersely. "When he gets
here, it'll be the first thing I tell him."

Uneasy silence resumed, accentuated by the click-clacking of the
wooden beads Sung-Kuk wore around his left wrist, a present Jo-Guk
bought for him when they were in the Emirates. He could use someone
like Jo-Guk right now. Someone laid-back and perhaps a little
foolishly naive, but never volatile nor highly strung.

'Uneasy' would also be the perfect word to describe his
relationship with Chun-Soo the last two days. It had all started
that night after Chun-Soo returned from his unusually long trip to
the kitchen just to get water, and the offhand comment he made to
which Sung-Kuk replied, in retrospect, rather unnecessarily.

Of course it was a joke. Just like Chun-Soo's last book had been,
in a way. A sick joke borne out of frustration and profit-seeking
publishers.

"You really don't think it's going to work?"

"I *know* it's not going to work." Chun-Soo said. "Ahn Jung-Hwan is
no better than any of us. There's nothing that he can do that *I*
can't, that's for sure."

Sung-Kuk rolled his eyes, and he didn't even bother to hide the
gesture. If Chun-Soo wanted to play that game, then Sung-Kuk
didn't. He wanted out.

"You just had to say that, didn't you?"

Chun-soo looked up. "Huh?"

Sung-Kuk made no effort to conceal his annoyance. "Your bruised ego
needed stroking, and you'd never hesitate to do it yourself, would
you?"

His rommate's eyes narrowed at him. "That's not what I meant."

"Oh yes it is." Sung-Kuk said. "And you wouldn't hesitate to say it
to other people, either. Because you really do believe in it."

"Sung-Kuk, what-"

"You really do believe that you're that good, that you can do
whatever Ahn Jung-Hwan or anyone else can do." Sung-Kuk said. "Well
what do you have to show for it, Chun-Soo?"

Chun-Soo remained silent.

"You said it yourself-you're not the nicest person, you're not
modest, you're always going to mouth your way into every tabloid
that comes snapping around..." Sung-Kuk threw his arms up. "Well fuck
all that-I don't care, as long as you back your shit up with some
reality. And the reality is that against Urugay, we all sucked."

"I know that..."

"Do you, really? Or do you think the team sucked but you didn't,
that we lost because the rest of us didn't perform quite to your
high standards?"

"Sung-Kuk!" Chun-Soo stared at him. "How can you-"

"How can I say that? How can I not, knowing the kind of person you
are-or should I say, knowing the kind of person you've made me
*think* you are?"

Chun-Soo took a step back. He seemed to know where this was going.

"You've never given me reason enough to believe that you're not
going to do these sort of things..." Sung-Kuk continued. "It's like
there's parts of you I'm not supposed to see, and yet you expect me
to know them."

"Sung-Kuk..."

"It's not fair, Chun-Soo!" he snapped. "I'm not Tae-Uk!"

Chun-Soo could only stare at him. "I didn't...I didn't mean-"

"Look, let's not do this right now. We've got more important things
to worry about." Sung-Kuk rubbed his face wearily. "I'll be next
door with Jo-Guk if you need me."

He quickly turned around for the door, opening it and walking
outside, leaving Chun-Soo behind. When Chun-Soo did not call out to
him, Sung-Kuk didn't know if he felt relieved or disappointed.

"Find anything yet?"

Kim Nam-Il thumbed through the travel magazine, one he'd found in
the player's lounge, and shook his head. "Nope."

"Any idea what you're looking for?" Kim Tae-Young asked from the
only chair in the room.

Nam-Il sighed heavily. "Somewhere..secluded. Where we won't be recognized."

Languidly stretched out on the same bed where Nam-Il was sitting,
Choi Tae-Uk snorted. "Where *you* won't be recognized, you mean."

Nam-Il looked down scornfully at his lover. "Sometimes I think you
underestimate your own celebrity, Uke."

"Ha. I can still go grocery shopping at the neighborhood
supermarket without even one person asking for an autograph. You'd
have to be smuggled through the checkout by an army of policemen."

Tae-Young laughed. Nam-Il and Uke were in his room, discussing the
where and how of the vacation the couple planned to take as soon as
the K-League enters its next break, during the SunMoon World Peace
King Cup, a charity tournament in Korea featuring clubs such as PSV
Eindhoven, LA Galaxy, Bayer Leverkusen and Olympic Lyon. The league
will be rested during that period, which Nam-Il and Uke planned to
make use of by taking their first real vacation in two years or so.

"You know.." Tae-Young said. "You could always go up to my place,
in Seoraksan.. it's secluded enough."

Uke lifted his head off the matress just enough to be able to look
Tae-Young in the eyes. "We can't do that...it's your place. And we'd
make a mess out of it."

Nam-Il nodded. "Yeah, and besides..." he looked down at Uke and
smiled. "Uke here wants someplace where you can, you know, order up
a cocktail at three in the morning and the like."

"Ahh, I see." Tae-Young smirked. "Room service."

"Good room service." Uke added. "Discreet room service."

Tae-Young frowned. "Say, you're not thinking of going to someplace
like-Fiji or the Maldives, right?"

Nam-Il rolled his eyes. "Gods, no! I mean, we'd love to if we had
the time, since we're pretty much guaranteed anonimity over there,
but-"

"Too much for now." Uke finished for him. "Booking into hotels and
such, getting visas. We just want a quiet, nice little vacation."

"With good room service." Tae-Young added.

"Yup."

"Well, I'd say your best bet would be Cheju Island."

Nam-Il wrinkled his nose. "Isn't that place swarming with tourists?"

"Cheju City, yes...but that's on the northern tip of the island.
Remember our training camp, in Seogwipo?" Tae-Young said. "It's on
the southern side, and that part of the island isn't too
crowded-except near Mount Sanbang."

Nam-Il seemed thoughtful. "Well, it does give us two things at the
same time: the mountains and the ocean."

"Hmmm..." Uke propped his head up on one elbow. "We can take the
ferry there, right?"

Tae-Young nodded. "It'll take longer by ferry-about eleven hours or
so, but that way you can take your car with you, no need to rent."

"And if I book us into one of the big hotels..." Nam-Il looks to Uke.
"They have that privacy policy, right? Not disclosing names and
all?"

Uke nodded. "We'll book it with my name just to be safe."

"Who's picking up the tab?" Tae-Young asked casually.

"We're splitting the bill." Nam-Il said, then looked at the travel
magazine again. "Cheju, huh?"

"I don't really care where, to be honest.." Uke curls one arm
around Nam-Il's leg. "We'll probably be indoors most of the time."

"And giving the concierge headaches by making strange requests."
Nam-Il patted his lover' cheek.

"Hmm.." Uke snuggled against Nam-Il's leg. "That, too."

Tae-Young chuckled lightly. When Nam-Il had first informed him of
Uke's wish to take some time off and go somewhere for a much-needed
break, he had agreed whole-heartedly, offering to help them in the
process any way he could. He knew Uke and Nam-Il badly needed some
time away from everything and everyone, away from him, even. As
open and loving as they were to him, Tae-Young knew that theirs was
a relationship for two, not three.

The strain that had been put on them because of the whole incident
with Young-Pyo had been quickly mended, but it illustrated just how
much they needed to re-connect with each other at a very basic
level, to let all those troubles wash away and start anew.

Starting anew was a luxury Tae-Young didn't have. While he had
steadily worked himself back into the fold of the living, forsaking
the robotic existence, it didn't take anything away from his pain.
Chun-Soo had been right-he hadn't even allowed himself to start
feeling the pain, let it spread through him like wildfire so that
it may be extinguished, sometime in the far future, not anytime
soon. And having the source of his pain so near to him made this
inevitable.

Young-Pyo and Uke were keeping things, as they say, civil. They
showed no emotion nor allowed any suspicion to rise among those who
didn't already know. While Tae-Young had regretted Uke's decision
to cut his ties of friendship with Young-Pyo, he knew the little
striker had made up his mind and that there was little he could do
to change it. He only hoped that with time, Uke too would find it
within his heart to forgive Young-Pyo.

Time. Time was both his friend and foe. Time, the very same thing
that ate away at his body, ticked the calendar days until his
inevitable retirement, was what would in the end heal his heart. He
knew this. It was apparent that Chun-Soo knew this, too. And while
Tae-Young had initially baulked at the idea of admitting that the
past month of his troubled life had been summed up so perfectly in
the words of an impish youngster, there was no denying the truth in
Chun-Soo's words.

--I know your kind of pain...--

He hadn't had the time to ask Chun-Soo what he meant when he said
that. But indeed, the words Chun-Soo spoke to him seemed borne out
of personal experience rather than superior insight. And his words
had eerily echoed Young-Pyo's own, which had gone initially
unheeded because of Tae-Young's outrage at hearing them. But he
knew now, he knew that everything Young-Pyo said had been true.
Nam-Il and Uke would believe otherwise, but he knew better.

Young-Pyo was right. He was right in making this decision, to move
on, and his sole mistake, the one that cost him his friendship with
Uke, was his neglect to inform them of his decision sooner. That
was it. Everything else he did had been for the better, and
Tae-Young found in himself not the strength nor the will to blame
Young-Pyo for it. If anything, he should thank Young-Pyo for it.
And Chun-Soo, for that matter.

On the bed, Uke had pretty much dozed off, arm still curled around
Nam-Il's leg like a shackle-one Tae-Young was sure its restrainee
would never object to, as Nam-Il demonstrated by merely patting
Uke's dark head and continuing to thumb through the magazine.
Tae-Young smiled at that-if he ever needed reminding that the world
hadn't stopped turning just so he could wallow in self-pity for the
past few days, looking at Nam-Il and Uke would do the trick.

And when Nam-Il looked up from the magazine to innocently ask, "How
long before dinner?" it was obvious that things were, at least in
some regards, back to normal.

Ahn Jung-Hwan had arrived bright and early that morning-nearly
unrecognizable at first glance with his long locks gone and
replaced by a military crew-cut, but a standout just the same
because of it. He'd been whisked away from the military base where
he was doing his one-month mandatory service, which might have
seemed more like a formality compared to the two years most Korean
men were obliged to do.

Such was the enormity of the achievement Team Korea made in the
last World Cup that upon reaching the round of 16 the president had
awarded them with exemption from the two years' service and had it
reduced to one month-applicable only to those who had not already
done their service earlier in their careers, of course. Most of the
senior players had already done theirs, but the younger ones,
including the likes of Lee Chun-Soo, had not.

Morning training was largely uneventful-working Ahn Jung-Hwan back
into the team proved to be not so difficult a task, it was how
effective he would be against Argentina that was the question. And
that, sadly, was the reason why he was even here. And Chun-Soo
could tell by the look on his older teammate's face that it was the
last thing Ahn wanted to be here for. It couldn't have been easy
for him, having to carry the burden of an entire nation's fickle
desires on his shoulders.

"It's not your fault, you know..." he said to Jung-Hwan on one of the
quiet breaks in the training as they sat toweling sweat off their
bodies. "It's not like there was anything you could do about it."

"But you would've preferred if it didn't happen, wouldn't you?"

It wasn't really a question, and Chun-Soo gave his teammate a
smile. "Of course. But you know that already."

"I do." Jung-Hwan agreed. "And it's only right that you feel that way."

"Because you expected everyone to feel that way.." Chun-Soo raised
an eyebrow. "..or because it's me we're talking about?"

Jung-Hwan chuckled. "You know, Chun-Soo..if this team could run on
your feistiness alone, we'd be World Champions by now."

"And I'd be even more insufferable than I already am."

"Yeah."

Chun-Soo sighed and slung his towel around his neck. He loosened
the strap of the brace he wore over his problematic right
shoulder-they'd only started putting him in this more practical
strap-on plastic brace a few weeks ago, so no more wrapping and
bandaging before every match.

"So..how is everybody?" Jung-Hwan asked, his tone dropping into a
more discreet note.

"Fine." Chun-Soo answered. "Everything's..under control."

"It wasn't always that way, was it?" Jung-Hwan said. "Something happened."

"How'd you know?"

"They let us watch the Uruguay match, you know-in the barracks."
Jung-Hwan explained. "I saw..our left flank was in pieces."

Chun-Soo sighed deeply. "Yeah."

"Young-Pyo and Uke weren't connecting-it's almost like they didn't
even exist to each other." Jung-Hwan said, then turned to Chun-Soo.
"What happened?"

"There was a-well, 'confrontation' would be an understatement, so
I'd say there was a bust-up." Chun-Soo said. "Luckily it was one
confined incident-nobody who wasn't already aware of the situation
caught on."

Jung-Hwan seemed relieved. "Lucky."

"Uke and Young-Pyo got into a fight-actually, it was more like Uke
decided to beat up Young-Pyo, then Nam-Il tried to intervene, and
that's where I happened upon them.." Chun-Soo shook his head as
memories of that dreadful day came back to him. "I did what I
could. Uke needed some calming down, but he's okay now."

"And..Tae-Young?"

Chun-Soo looked to the other end of the field, where Kim Tae-Young
was once again engaging the young defenders, most notably the
talented but insecure Cho Byung-Kuk, in a coaching session on how
to close down on fast-moving strikers.

"He's..okay now, I guess."

Chun-Soo had decided to keep his conversation with Tae-Young that
early morning to himself-he hadn't even told Uke about it, but he
wondered if it would be extremely vain for him to think that
whatever he'd said to Tae-Young that night seemed to have an
effect. Well, Tae-Young was certainly back among the living now,
and he seemed to be enjoying Uke and Nam-Il's companion more than
ever.

"Really?" Jung-Hwan inquired.

"Nam-Il and Uke are helping him.." Chun-Soo said. "As soon as Uke
sorted himself out, he was back to his old self again.
Unfortunately, it did have a price."

Jung-Hwan's face fell. "That doesn't sound good."

Chun-Soo sighed. "No, it's not. I guess we should be grateful that
Uke's the kind of person he is, you know-else I don't know how he
would've gotten through this, but just the same..he felt the need
to punish Young-Pyo, and I can't blame him."

"Punish?"

"He's broken off their friendship." Chun-Soo said with difficulty.
"He's called a truce, that's how he said it. He's willing to
maintain the facade to the outside world, if it saves them from
suspicion and rumors, but other than that.."

He left his sentence unfinished, and the look on Jung-Hwan's face
told him that the older striker had gotten the message.

"That's..too bad."

"Well, Uke assured me that it's temporary-you know, 'time heals all
wounds' and all that shit, but for now..Young-Pyo's on his own."
Chun-Soo said, then quickly realized the error of his words. "No,
not really. He's married now, isn't he?"

Jung-Hwan smiled. "You make it sound as if it's such a bad thing."

"Hey, you'd know it better than I do."

"Right."

"How is she?" Chun-Soo asked as he picked some grass from under his cleats.

"Good. She's staying with her parents while I'm in the
military-we'll go back to Japan as soon as my one month is up."

"You've been married for, what, two years now?"

"One and a half, actually." Jung-Hwan corrected him.

"Any plans on having children?" Chun-Soo asked.

The older striker smiled. "Funny you should mention it..we did talk
about it, you know, before I went into the military. We wondered if
now would be a good time."

Chun-Soo gave him a slight frown. "Are you saying the timing wasn't
good before?"

"No, it wasn't. Think about it." Jung-Hwan said. "The last year or
so have been really chaotic for me. Being in Italy, then the World
Cup, then the whole shit with Perugia, going to Japan..I didn't
want Hye-Won to be pregnant while I was still unsettled. It
wouldn't have been good for her, or the baby."

"Oh." Chun-Soo nodded. He got the point, of course-but it
illustrated just how out of the touch he was with his understanding
of women and childbearing.

"I guess we're pretty settled in Japan now, so we can start planning."

"Well, in that case.." Chun-Soo pushed himself off the ground to
stand up. "Whenever the time comes, call me when you find out-so I
can get a proper gift."

Jung-Hwan looked up and smiled. "Boy or girl, you think?"

"Girl would be perfect." Chun-Soo gave his teammate a wink. "She's
the beauty queen, you're the handsome hearthrob. Your daughter is
sure to be a knockout."

Jung-Hwan chuckled after him as Chun-Soo went back to the training pitch.

14.17 p.m.

"Ji-Sung.."

"Hmm?"

"Come here.."

"Wha-"

"Just come here.."

"Again? Sang-Chul, you're an animal.."

"You already know that."

"That's right, so there's no need for you to show off. Let me sleep."

"Come on, just one more.."

"Shouldn't we be resting for tomorrow?"

"Tonight, we rest. Now, we fuck."

"God, I've almost forgotten how single-minded you can be.."

"Consider yourself reminded, then."

"Fine. Whatever."

"So come here."

"I'm tired, Sang-Chul.."

"Just this once..please?"

"Fuck...you know I hate it when you beg."

"Make me stop, then."

"Bastard. You win."

16.05 p.m.

Chun-Soo usually hated being late for anything. Designated bad boy
of Korean football as he was, it didn't mean that he felt any less
responsible towards the culture and creed of punctuality that
permeated his country's work ethic. And yet there he was, five
minutes past the hour of his appointment and there were parts of
him that wanted to stall it even further.

The dormitories were quiet, the players taking advantage of rest
hours as much as they could after a particularly intense training
session. From behind each numbered door he passed, Chun-Soo could
hear varying noises-quiet conversations, music, even a loud,
obnoxious snoring which he instantly knew to be Cha Doo-Ri. Smiling
both in amusement and in sympathy for whoever it was that Doo-Ri
was sharing his room with, Chun-Soo continued walking, until he
reached the furthest door down the hall.

Three knocks on the door later, it swung open and revealed an
anxious, expectant face.

"Hi, Chong-Gug.." Chun-Soo said, his voice as neutral as he could make it.

"Hi."

"Sorry I'm late."

"No big deal." Song Chong-Gug opened the door wide and motioned him inside.

Chun-Soo walked in, hearing Chong-Gug shut the door behind them.
"Where's Byung-Kuk?"

"The lounge." Chong-Gug explained his absent roommate. "Said he
needed to e-mail his girlfriend or something."

"Hmm.." Chun-Soo folded his arms in front of him, casting a quick
glance around the room. Chong-Gug's half of it was definitely the
neater one, he could tell, and as he sat on the room's sole wooden
chair Chong-Gug positioned himself at the edge of his mattress.

They were both relaxed, or at least feigning relaxation as best
they could, trying to shut away memories of the last time they'd
forced themselves into a conversation, which ended in disaster.
While the phone call Chong-Gug made not too long ago had gone some
way into mending the shattered bond between the two former lovers,
Chun-Soo knew that there was still that much further to go.

"I...I guess you won't be attending, then. The wedding, I mean."
Chong-Gug began.

"I'm sorry I can't." Chun-Soo said. "I checked the calendar. June
15th is a matchday for my club."

"Who are you playing?"

"Songnam."

"Ooh." Chong-Gug whistled quietly. "That's a tough one."

Chun-Soo nodded.

Chong-Gug eased himself back, resting his head against the
windowsill. The afternoon sunlight painted golden highlights on his
reddish-brown hair, a shade lighter than the last time Chun-Soo saw
him-he must've had it coloured again when he was in Rotterdam.

"I don't know where to start, Soo.." Chong-Gug sighed.

"Well, at least you're being honest about it."

A faint smile tugged at the corner of the older one's lips. "That's
what has always pissed you about me, isn't it? I can never face
anything or say anything up front, deal with things just the way
they are..I'm always hiding, always looking for a way out."

"You're getting better.." Chun-Soo said.

"I hope so. For our sake." Chong-Gug turned his head slightly to
look at Chun-Soo in the eyes. "I just realized something.."

"What?"

"The last time I saw you..when I told you how much you'd changed,
that I didn't know you anymore..who was I kidding?" he chuckled
bitterly. "You haven't changed one bit. You're just the way you
are, the way you've always been..and I was an idiot for ever
thinking of you as anything other than that..for *wanting* you to
be anything other than that."

Chun-Soo made himself breathe deeply. There was something about
being near Chong-Gug, about being in his proximity that still made
him light-headed. If there was one thing Chong-Gug could do to him
better than anyone else it was to knock him off his feet
completely, make his head spin, make his defenses weak. As much as
he knew he couldn't allow it to happen again, it was tempting-just
enough to make him understand why he'd given in so easily in the
past.

"You know, I've been doing some thinking too.." he said finally,
after a brief silence that, surprisingly, wasn't as awkward as he'd
expected it to be. "Feel free to debate with me here, but I think I
know why we were so fucked up-as a couple, I mean."

Chong-Gug's eyebrows lifted slightly. "Enlighten me..please."

"Well, it's deceptively simple.." Chun-Soo opened up his arms.
"There was only one reason why we were even together in the first
place."

The Feyenoord man nodded, a resigned, accepting look on his face
that Chun-Soo found slightly unsettling. "The World Cup, you mean.."

"Right." Chun-Soo said. "Let's face it, Chong-Gug..if it wasn't for
the tournament I doubt we would've even liked each other, never
mind grow close together the way we did."

"Well, I wouldn't take it that far.." Chong-Gug shrugged and gave
his former lover a little smile. "There's a lot to like in you,
Soo...World Cup or no World Cup."

Chun-Soo tried hard not to let his cheeks flush.

"I guess what you're trying to tell me is that we didn't look
beyond the World Cup, beyond June, didn't stop to think what would
become of us when it's all over.." Chong-Gug said. "Because we'd
been drilled and trained day and night to think about nothing other
than the World Cup. Everything else faded-nothing else seemed to
matter."

Chun-Soo nodded slowly. "Can't really blame Hiddink or the rest of
the coaching staff for drilling us like that..I mean, they couldn't
have anticipated that their players would end up fucking each
other's brains out."

Chong-Gug gave him an amused little smile. "It was surreal-it was
the biggest thing that had ever happened to me, the biggest thing I
ever took part in, and in the middle of all that..I found you."

Looking up at his former lover, it wasn't difficult to remember why
he had fallen for Chong-Gug. God help him but the man was beautiful
beyond words-not at first glance perhaps but there was depth in his
eyes, something that called out to him, touched him and seemed to
command his attention. He felt it even now, in his willful
separation, felt it as it threatened to unhinge the joints of his
knees.

"I felt drawn towards you..I didn't know why." Chong-Gug continued.
"We were all so worked up for the tournament, with so much spirit
and determination and whatnot..and you seemed to embody all of
that. Among all of us young players, you seemed the least nervous,
the least worried about whether or not you were going to perform
well. You already *knew* it, and you couldn't wait to start.."

"I wanted to be cut loose." Chun-Soo said. "You're right-I was very
eager, I wanted to prove myself, put myself out there for the world
to see. 'Look, here I am. I'm a damn good player'. That's what I
wanted."

"And I saw you, too." Chong-Gug said slowly, giving meaning beyond
the simple words. "What I don't know is what you saw in me, Soo.."

Chun-Soo looked up, trying not to lose his resolve in Chong-Gug's
eyes. "I saw a friend. More than that, I saw a steady presence I
could rely on. I saw a rock, I saw *my* rock. I saw someone who
would stand up to any challenge unfazed, undaunted. I saw someone
who would stand up for me."

The look on Chong-Gug's face was slightly bewildered. "You sound
like you're describing Hong Myung-Bo, not me."

"No, that was you." Chun-Soo said, but he quickly corrected
himself. "Or at least, that's what I *saw* in you. That's the
person I *thought* you were."

Chong-Gug worried a loose strand from the curtains between his
fingers. "And I thought you were a spirited, eager little boy who
needed my protection. I thought of you as being vulnerable, and in
doing so I *made* you vulnerable."

Chun-Soo felt his throat convulsing slightly.

"I played my role, you played yours-the tournament was our stage.
Everything was excusable. Let's go and screw each other-it'll make
our bond stronger, and the team will benefit from it. Let's fall in
love, it will make the training camp more bearable, and the team
will benefit from it. I mean-what the hell?" Chong-Gug threw his
arms up in a self-disgusted gesture. "Idiots.."

"That makes two of us." Chun-Soo was quick to add. "Let's just say
we both misled each other horribly, Chong-Gug. Not intentionally,
but horribly just the same."

His former lover gave him a curt nod. "And when it was over.."

"You remember that night after the finals, when I told you that I
felt strange..that I felt empty?" Chun-Soo said.

Chong-Gug furrowed his brows as he recalled the memory, but after a
while he seemed to remember. "Yes."

"Now I know why. It wasn't about the tournament ending..wasn't
about losing the semifinals, or even the playoffs." Chun-Soo sighed
deeply. "It was about us. Somehow, something inside me knew that it
was the end for us, as well. We might've loved each other for real,
Chong-Gug..but there wasn't anything to sustain us beyond that. And
we held on to each other because we didn't want to let go-we didn't
want it to end."

When he dared to lift his head again, Chong-Gug's expression was
all but unreadable.

"It was over for us, too. That night, it should've ended there and
we probably wouldn't have had to go through what we did. But
because we were both fools-"

"I loved you." Chong-Gug cut him off, sounding stricken.

Chun-Soo shook his head. "I never doubted that-"

"I loved you as truthfully and as deeply as I'd ever loved anyone,
Soo." Chong-Gug said harshly. "Fools we might have been, but liars
we weren't. Misled or otherwise, I don't want to take anything away
from what I felt about you."

It was all Chun-Soo could do not to break there and then. Something
in Chong-Gug's voice, the longing tone, the 'what did we do wrong'
that he'd heard over and over again, never losing its potential to
rip to shreds the defenses he'd been forced to erect around himself.

"Chong-Gug, listen to me.." he pleaded. "I'm not trying to take
anything away from either of us. I loved you, too-I fell madly in
love for you, to be exact. But I shouldn't have let it drag me down
the way it did-"

"I dragged you down." Chong-Gug said. It was a statement, not a
question. "It was me. I couldn't let go of how good it felt to be
needed, to be trusted, to have you in these arms, protect you-I
made myself up to be something I could never be, and I took you
along with it."

"No." Chun-Soo shook his head. "Don't you dare blame yourself for
it-we were both idiots, it was *our* fault. Ours."

Chong-Gug sniffed, and Chun-Soo saw his hands tightening into fists
beside his body. "But you were the one who saw through it.." he
said weakly. "You were the one who saw where we went wrong, while I
was too busy denying it."

Chun-Soo offered no rebuke to that.

"I wanted it to work, Soo...I wanted *us* to work. I wanted it so
fucking bad I was ready to give everything I have to make it work."
Chong-Gug said. "I felt that you were worth it."

"I'm not." Chun-Soo said blankly. "Nobody is, Chong-Gug..nobody
should be worth giving up everything you have, everything you've
worked for-when you start feeling that way, you know that
something's wrong."

The dark auburn head nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry.." Chong-Gug muttered. "I'm sorry for everything I told
you the last time we met. I didn't mean any of them-I was angry, I
wasn't in my right mind.."

"Never mind that.." Chun-Soo dismissed the notion with a wave of
his hand. "I wasn't really being easy on you, either."

"What is it about you that made me screw myself up not once, not
twice, but three times?" Chong-Gug asked, without really expecting
an answer, it seemed. "Why couldn't I just let you go? Why couldn't
I see things clearly?"

Chun-Soo was halfway through composing his next sentence when
something warm closed over his hand. Upon realizing that it was
Chong-Gug's palm, fingers grasping his in a gesture of tentative
affection, he felt his heart skipping in his chest.

"Why couldn't I be more like you, Soo?"

It wasn't a question he'd expect from anyone. Especially not from Chong-Gug.

"You don't want to be like me."

"Maybe I do, at least in some regards." Chong-Gug held his hand
even tighter. "You, who never failed to see the truth, who never
bothered to dress up the facts in superficial words or to soften
things down.."

"Which gets me in trouble."

Chong-Gug nodded solemnly. "You're a little firecracker, that's for
sure-you're a troublemaker, a loud mouth..but you're never
conceited, never a hypocrite."

"Neither were you." Chun-Soo couldn't help himself saying. "You're
one of the most sincere, honest people I've ever met."

"But?"

Chun-Soo shook his head. "Don't make me do this, Chong-Gug.."

"That's exactly what I want you to do. But..?" Chong-Gug pressed on.

There was something in that voice, and in his hand, that told
Chun-Soo that Chong-Gug was finally ready to hear what he'd always
wanted to say, that this would not end the way their attempt at
making peace did.

"But..in the case of our relationship..you were-shall we say, a little blind."

"A little?"

"Just a little." Chun-Soo said. "I know you wanted to make it
work..I know you wanted to give it another go..but you couldn't see
that the person that I was, the *real* me, was someone that wasn't
suited for you."

It was the only way he could articulate it. No matter how much they
wanted to believe that they were perfect for each other, it was
clear now that the perfection did not last beyond the final whistle
in Daegu. It *was* perfect while they were safely cocooned from the
rest of the world, when they had a singular purpose, when
everything between them was a shared experience, an effort to
ascend to great heights. But no more.

"You wanted to see beyond my faults, Chong-Gug..but you went too
far." Chun-Soo gave his former lover's hand a squeeze. "You saw
beyond *me*. You saw beyond who I really was, and you wanted me to
be something I could not."

Chong-Gug's fingers slackened a little, but he did not let go.

"Maybe you weren't completely wrong, Chong-Gug..maybe I *did*
change. It's called 'growing up'." Chun-Soo said. "And I'm sorry
that the person I grew up to be isn't one that can make you happy
the way you wanted me to."

"And I'm sorry too.." Chong-Gug said, his voice escaping him in a
short burst. "I'm sorry that I couldn't love you the only way you
deserve to be loved.."

Chun-Soo brought his head up and saw tears glistening behind
Chong-Gug's eyes. "How..how do you think I deserve to be loved?"

"Selflessly." Chong-Gug calmly said. "Without restraint, without
boundaries.." his other hand reached up and Chun-Soo shivered as it
cupped his face. "Nobody could contain you, Lee Chun-Soo. Nobody
*should*."

"Chong-Gug.."

"My little tiger..that's what I used to call you.." Chong-Gug
smiled wistfully. "But you were never mine, were you?"

Chun-Soo closed his eyes and felt something hot and moist rolling
down his cheek and onto Chong-Gug's hand.

"The happiest tigers..are those who roam wild." he heard Chong-Gug
say. "That's what I kept telling myself after we broke up..that you
were better off without me, that you deserved to be free..and when
I found out about you and-and Sang-Chul, I guess I was just..upset.
I didn't give you a chance to tell me the whole story, and even if
I did, it's really none of my business, is it?"

Hearing Sang-Chul's name uttered so painfully by Chong-Gug's voice
made Chun-Soo's insides tighten into a knot. "I never meant to hurt
you, Chong-Gug.."

"I know that now." Chong-Gug said. "I wish I'd seen it then-it
would've saved both of us a lot of pain."

"Even if I tried to explain it, I doubt you would've understood-not
many people do." Chun-Soo shrugged fractionally. "It's a
complicated deal, Sang-Chul and I."

Emphasis on the word 'deal', he thought.

"I trust you." Chong-Gug stroked down his cheek. "I trust that you
know how to take care of yourself-better than I ever did. And that
will have to be good enough for me."

Chun-Soo nodded-he wanted to get off the subject of Sang-Chul as
fast as possible.

"I want to make my peace with you, Soo..once and for all."
Chong-Gug said quietly. "I want us to at least be friends, and not
let anything get in the way of that."

"I agree." Chun-Soo nodded, wiping his eyes as Chong-Gug, very
reluctantly, let go of his hand and face.

"It's not because I'm getting married-it's not because I'm about to
start a new life and I want to tie up loose ends-I'd be cruel to do
that." Chong-Gug said quickly. "I just..well, you're too valuable
to me as a friend and I don't want to lose you."

Chun-Soo's hands rested awkwardly on his knees. "I don't want to
lose you either.." he said, but his mind was elsewhere. Something
Chong-Gug said about him had him feeling very uneasy, indeed. Not
that it was anything bad, and not that Chong-Gug was wrong. No, in
fact he was probably absolutely right about it, and that's what was
so disturbing.

--Nobody could contain you, Lee Chun-Soo. Nobody should.--

"I..you said you wanted to make peace, right?" Chun-Soo forced a
smile onto his lips. "Well, it just so happens that I have a little
peace offering right here.."

He dug his hand into his pocket, finding the small velvet jewelry
box and pulling it out, one smooth gesture bringing it into
Chong-Gug's view, who regarded with a genuine look of surprise.

"Soo, you didn't have to-"

"It's my wedding gift." Chun-Soo said. "I can't be there on the
day, but I'll be wishing you both happiness."

He sounded like he was quoting off a Hallmark card. He hated
sounding that way, but what else could he do? He was as sincere as
he could possibly be in giving this gift, but finding words to
express how he really felt about Chong-Gug's wedding was about as
easy as trying to explain the real nature of his relationship with
Sang-Chul.

Chong-Gug received the box, opened it, and Chun-Soo saw his eyes
light up. As well they should, because they were reflecting the
sparkle of the two diamond-encrusted crucifix pendants that was
nestled inside the box, a matching set, one slightly bigger than
the other. The body of the crosses were silver, as were the chains
that made up the necklace.

"They're beautiful, Soo.."

"I hope Jung-Ah will like them." Chun-Soo managed to say.

Chong-Gug smiled, for once looking genuinely happy and devoid of
bitterness. "I'm sure she will."

Chun-Soo was at a loss for what to say next when suddenly, as if
he'd been planning to do it all along, Chong-Gug rushed up towards
him and enfolded him in a tight, warm embrace. And for once,
Chun-Soo did not try to push him away, did not deny the need for
this gesture, to heal the wounds they'd carried for nearly a
year-he wrapped his arms around Chong-Gug's shoulders and closed
his eyes, and when Chong-Gug drew back and took hold of his chin he
knew what was to come next.

For the last time as lovers might, they kissed, sweet and
understated and short, and as Chong-Gug's lips left his Chun-Soo
opened his eyes and found himself staring into the eyes of a
friend. No longer a lover, or a former one, no longer the bane of
his existence and the subject of his tortured nights..but a friend.

"Thank you.." he mouthed without any voice actually coming out of
his constricted throat.

Chong-Gug nodded. "I have a lot to learn from you, Soo.."

Again, Chun-Soo willed a smile onto his trembling lips. "I..should
be going now."

"Okay.."

Chong-Gug stood up, Chun-Soo following him towards the door, which
the host graciously held open for him.

"I'll see you at dinner, then.." Chong-Gug said once Chun-Soo was outside.

"Right.." he muttered, but as he turned his back to walk away
something made him stop, something made him turn around to face
Chong-Gug again, to say what was bothering his mind.

"What is it, Soo?" his newfound friend seemed to read into his face.

"There's someone in my life right now." Chun-Soo said. "Not
Sang-Chul. Someone..someone new. And he's..I don't even know how to
describe it."

Chong-Gug stood motionless in his doorway, waiting for him to go on.

"He's been there for me through some tough times..but there's a lot
he doesn't know yet about me-there's a lot I haven't allowed him to
see." he spoke, aware that there was little he could expect from
Chong-Gug other than to listen to him. "I guess..I guess I'm
scared, Chong-Gug."

"Why?"

Chun-Soo shrugged. "I guess I'm just scared of making the same
mistakes-of letting him expect things from me that I can't give."

"What makes you think you'll do that?"

"Because he's..he's completely new to me. I mean, not just that I
don't know him that well, but also because everything I feel about
him feels so..strange, unfamiliar. I can't describe it. I'm feeling
things with him that I've never felt before.." Chun-Soo said. "Not
with you, not with anyone. So I don't have-you know, I can't
measure myself. I can't tell where one thing ends and another
begins."

--It's like there's parts of you I'm not supposed to see, and yet
you expect me to know them.--

"Is that..such a bad thing?"

"It might be." Chun-Soo said.

--It's not fair, Chun-Soo! I'm not Tae-Uk!--

"I just..don't want to rush things. All the same I don't want to be
too cautious, but I can't seem to find the balance between the
two." Chun-Soo said, then he smiled despite himself. "I'm not used
to this whole 'taking it slow' business, I guess."

Chong-Gug smiled, too. "Well..you must do what you feel is best for
you and him, of course..problem is the two don't always match up."

"Yeah." Chun-Soo agreed whole-heartedly.

"What does your heart tell you, then?"

Chun-Soo sighed deeply. "That I should give it a chance."

"Then do it. Nobody worth your love would expect any less."
Chong-Gug assured him.

"Thanks.."

"Good luck, Soo.."

"You, too. Married life and all."

A grateful smile and a few moments later, Chun-Soo found himself
staring at a closed door.

Ji-Sung buttoned up his shirt as Sang-Chul stared at him languidly
from the bed, a self-satisfied grin on his face that Ji-Sung
would've found annoying under other circumstances. But the
circumstances were, in fact, quite approppriate for such an
expression-a grateful nod to the joys of sex without commitment.

"Man, if you score as well on the pitch as you do in bed.." the
Eindhoven player muttered as he bent down to retrieve his pants.

Sang-Chul gave out a low chuckle. "You're getting better too, Ji-Sung."

The younger man snorted. "Yeah. Can't wait until we're back in
Eindhoven so I can practice it on the guys," he said sarcastically.

"On the pitch or in bed?" Sang-Chul joked.

Ji-Sung stood up and zipped up his trousers. "See you at
dinnertime, Sang-Chul."

"And bedtime?" Sang-Chul asked, sweetening his voice.

Ji-Sung looked at him and shook his head. "You're bad."

"I thought you said I was good."

"You're very good-which is exactly what makes you so bad, and don't
fucking look at me like you don't know what I'm saying."

The older man smiled. "Feisty Ji-Sung..I'm starting to like this new you."

"Don't go overboard with it, Captain." Ji-Sung started towards the
door. "Casual sex, remember?"

"Hey, it's me we're talking about." Sang-Chul called out from the bed.

Ji-Sung smirked and went out the door. Once outside, he muttered:
"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.."

When Chun-Soo opened the door to the room he shared with Sung-Kuk,
he saw that the little striker was in his bed, asleep, taking his
nap the way everyone was supposed to. Sung-Kuk had not returned to
the room last night after their brief spat, opting instead to bunk
with Jo-Guk and Namkung. They'd hardly spoken to each other all day
long, save for a few words exchanged during training. Chun-Soo
stood there in the doorway, watching as everything he'd just talked
about with Chong-Gug came back to him.

-- Nobody could contain you, Lee Chun-Soo..nobody should.-

-- How do you think I deserve to be loved? --

-- Selflessly. Without restraint, without boundaries. --

Chun-Soo rested his head against the doorway, watching Sung-Kuk
sleep. He knew everything Chong-Gug had said about him was
right-probably one of the few times Chong-Gug ever got anything
about him right. And what it meant was that anyone who wanted to be
with him, anyone who wanted to *love* him would have to do so with
many, many sacrifices. If loving him meant being selfless, then how
could he demand that from Sung-Kuk? How could he demand that from
anyone?

How did Sung-Kuk deserve to be loved? Would it be fair to let this
go on if Chun-Soo knew that in the end, he might not be able to
give Sung-Kuk what he wanted from him?

-- How can I say that? How can I not, knowing the kind of person
you are-or should I say, knowing the kind of person you've made me
*think* you are? --

Sung-Kuk wanted to get to know him better, he could tell as much.
Sung-Kuk had had enough of his distance, his unease, all under the
guise of taking things slow. Sung-Kuk saw through all that and he
knew, he knew that Chun-Soo was reluctant. The only thing he didn't
know was why, and Chun-Soo couldn't blame him for taking it as some
sort of personal matter. It wasn't, of course-his reluctance had
nothing to do with Sung-Kuk's own personality, but of course
Sung-Kuk didn't know that.

Chun-Soo never bothered to let him know.

-- you couldn't see that the person that I was, the *real* me, was
someone that wasn't suited for you.--

But what if the real Chun-Soo wasn't suited for *anyone*? What if
he'd grown into the arrogant, selfish bastard the media had always
made him up to be, what if he would inevitably hurt anyone who
wanted to love him, who wanted his love in return?

He was capable of love, Chun-Soo knew it. What he didn't know was
whether or not he was capable of the singular, selfless devotion
Chong-Gug had implied was required for anyone who wanted to love
him-the sort of devotion Chong-Gug himself was only days away from
being sworn into with his chosen bride. Chun-Soo didn't know if the
way he 'deserved' to be loved would be fair on Sung-Kuk, on anyone.
What he *did* know was that he didn't want to cause Sung-Kuk any
pain.

There was no getting around the fact that he would be hurting other
people, intentionally or otherwise, from now until the day he died.
No human being could avoid it-but if he could spare one person from
having to suffer the hurts he caused, it would be Sung-Kuk. His
teammate had grown on him so much that he warranted such a caution,
and yet that very same caution was driving Sung-Kuk away from him.

Chun-Soo shook his head, unable to face Sung-Kuk anymore. He turned
away, closing the door behind him, and stormed down the hallway.

Sang-Chul was about to nod off to sleep when he heard a knock on
his door. He frowned, looking around to room to check if Ji-Sung
had somehow left an article of clothing or some sort of personal
belonging behind. Finding none, and hearing another series of
knocks on his door, Sang-Chul swung his legs over the side of the
bed and stood up.

"Be right there!" he called out as he hastily put on his
trousers-better be at least somewhat presentable.

When he got to the door and opened it, he found himself looking
down on a very somber-looking Lee Chun-Soo.

"Well, what a surprise.." Sang-Chul said. "Thought you'd grown
tired of me and found yourself a new toy."

Chun-Soo said nothing, he shouldered past Sang-Chul into the
room-the Captain's quarters, as some labeled it. It wasn't any
bigger than the othe rooms, and only marginally better-furnished,
but its chief merit was that it was a personal room, not a shared
one.

"Bad day?" Sang-Chul asked as he closed the door.

Chun-Soo shook his head as he sat on the bed. The next words were
barely out of Sang-Chul's mouth when the younger man began
undressing himself, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it
aside. Slightly bewildered, Sang-Chul decided to play the situation
for all it was worth.

"Whoa, wait there just a second.." he said.

Chun-Soo paused, halfway unzipping his pants, looking up at him expectantly.

"Who said I was in the mood?"

If Chun-Soo felt any hurt at all from that statement, he didn't
show it. Instead, his eyes indicated the small shelf unit beside
the bed, on top of which lay an uncapped bottle of lubricant.
Sang-Chul snickered.

"Well, you got me there."

Chun-Soo shrugged his shoulders and continued peeling off his
garments, until he sat naked on the bed, clothes lying in messy
fabric puddles on the floor. Sang-Chul was still standing near the
door, assessing the situation, unsure what to really make of
Chun-Soo's sudden reappearance. Not even a touch since they arrived
in Paju, and now this?

"What's wrong, Chun-Soo?" he said as he walked towards the bed.
"Feeling a little lonely? Decided that I'm still worth your time
after all?"

The younger man did not answer, did not flinch when Sang-Chul's
large, calloused hand took his chin and turned it up to look in his
eyes.

"You tired of playing with little Sung-Kuk? Or is he not putting out for you?"

Now there was pain in his eyes, real pain, so palpable it seemed to
pierce right through Sang-Chul and undo the charade of nonchalance
he was trying to play. Chun-Soo did not look away, didn't bother to
hide his pain, didn't try to free his face from Sang-Chul's grasp.
He was hurting, yes, but not so much that he wanted out. That was
how Sang-Chul read his gestures.

-- I want to take your pain away. But you won't let me, will you?
Then at least share it with me. --

"Lie down.." he commanded.

Chun-Soo did, situating himself on the mattress, sheets still damp
from previous exertions, Ji-Sung's aroma still heavy on the
pillows. Who it was, how it was, didn't seem to matter to Chun-Soo.
The younger man opened his legs and planted his feet on the
mattress, presenting Sang-Chul with the sight he'd sorely missed,
the sight for which nothing Ji-Sung provided could serve as a
worthy substitute. Shaking his head slightly, Sang-Chul undid the
clasp of his trousers and let them fall to the floor.

-- Sometimes, I get lucky. --

On to Part 14