I could never change you, I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain
Like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

"Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" - Don Henley & Patti Smyth

Eindhoven
May 2003

"Yes, Mama... we've both agreed that the convention hall should do... no, no, I don't want too much of that. Yes, yes... well I'll call you again as soon as I have the details, okay?"

Song Chong-Gug watched as his friend paced about the living room of his apartment, cordless phone in hand, constantly moving about picking up this and that, sitting down in front of the laptop to check on one thing or two.

"Five hundred? Don't you think that's too many? Well the press will be there anyway whether we invite them or not..."

Chong-Gug closed his eyes briefly and opened them again. Things stayed the same. This was really happening. Even during the ride from Rotterdam he'd convinced himself that this was some sort of joke, that he'd been hallucinating when the news was first been broken to him. But now here he was, listening to the conversation, and he knew this was just about as real as it got.

They were discussing about invitations and flower arrangements, banquet menus and the color of the dress. The wedding dress. Chong-Gug remembered his own conversation with his bride-to-be only hours ago, with Jung-Ah enthusiastically telling him how she and her mother had discovered this fantastic piece of brocade silk that would be perfect for her wedding dress. He'd smiled during that conversation, but he could not bring himself to smile here. There was nothing to smile about.

"Yes, well I'll try to coordinate as much of it from here, since the earliest I'll be in Korea will be the end of the month... yes, I know, Mama... I really appreciate it. Yes, I'll call you again. Bye... I love you, too."

When Lee Young-Pyo finally put the phone down, it was a long while before he finally dared to look up and see Chong-Gug in his eyes. Neither said anything, but Chong-Gug thought words would be pointless anyway. They had both gone past the point of no return, but it left him wondering if one of them was going to end up regretting the decision. He dearly, dearly hoped not.

"I have a date..." Young-Pyo said." June 6th."

"Mine's on the 15th." Chong-Gug replied quietly, then laced his fingers together to muster the courage to speak what he'd wanted to say hours ago." Young-Pyo... why haven't you told them?"

"I don't know how to." Young-Pyo shook his head weakly.

"They're going to find out sooner or later!" Chong-Gug said." Are you just going to drop a bomb on them, sending them the invites without even telling?"

Young-Pyo's expression became guilty, and Chong-Gug felt his stomach fold over itself." That's... that's what you're planning to do, isn't it?"

"You want to tell me I'm crazy? That I'm a sick bastard who goes around hurting people? Go ahead!" Young-Pyo replied bitterly." You don't understand, Chong-Gug!"

"You're right, I don't!" Chong-Gug's voice was equally bitter." I don't understand how you can go about planning this and that, all the while he's still somewhere in Korea, waiting to hear your decision, not knowing that you took it months ago!"

"Stop it!" Young-Pyo covered his ears, shaking his head vehemently." Just stop it!"

Chong-Gug threw his arms up, exasperated. Perhaps he shouldn't have said anything at all. But how could he keep quiet, knowing what Young-Pyo was about to do?

Chong-Gug had known about Young-Pyo's situation since it first came up, when his father's deteriorating health prompted a request from his parents for him to find a suitable bride and marry her. Young-Pyo's decision had come shortly after he arrived in Eindhoven, with the plans being put into motion not long after that. Chong-Gug knew. Young-Pyo told him himself.

What Chong-Gug didn't know, was that until this very moment Young-Pyo had not mustered the courage to reveal his plans to the people who mattered most to him. He had not told Uke, his best friend. He had not told Nam-Il, Uke's lover and most importantly, the closest friend of the one person Young-Pyo also had not revealed his decision to: Kim Tae-Young.

To Chong-Gug's knowledge, both Tae-Young and Nam-Il were aware of the situation, but neither of them knew that Young-Pyo had already made his decision.

"When you went home to face Colombia... you sat there in the plane, beside Nam-Il..." Chong-Gug muttered."...and you didn't tell him."

"Right, I didn't." Young-Pyo said flatly." I sat there and lied through my teeth. And that night, I lied to Tae-Young also, even as I cried in his arms, begging for his sympathy..."

"Young-Pyo..."

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..." Young-Pyo said sardonically." I'm about to rip to pieces the heart of the person I love more than anything in this world... a heart full of courage, so unlike my own."

"Why, Young-Pyo?" Chong-Gug couldn't help himself." Why?"

"Because I'm scared, Chong-Gug..." Young-Pyo's voice grew weak." I am so, so scared and nobody can help me... I just know that the minute I'm alone in one room with him, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to say screw all this, I'm not getting married, I'm going to run away with him to some deserted island, and break my parents" heart along the way..."

"You love him so much..." Chong-Gug said.

"I love him too much..." Young-Pyo muttered." Too bad that surplus isn't going to help with everything else that's in deficit..."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Chong-Gug snapped." Dammit, he's given you everything he can give, what more do you want from him?"

Young-Pyo's reply took a while. The Eindhoven player sank into a chair, looking listless and devoid of energy, while his fingers skimmed along the surfaces of the numerous pieces of paper that were strewn about his desks. Faxes from South Korea bearing everything from the design for his groom's outfit, floor plans for the church where the wedding was to be held, little yellow notes with size corrections, people's phone numbers, caterers" lists, prices and calculations...

"Before I came here... just two days before my flight, Tae-Young took me to see his... his family." Young-Pyo finally said, his voice withery.

Chong-Gug listened from where he sat, a lump tightening inside his chest." His... family?"

"His ex-wife, and his two children." Young-Pyo explained." They live in a house just outside Gwangju... a quiet little place, a little high in the hills..."

Chong-Gug squirmed a little in his seat. Of course, everyone knew that Kim Tae-Young was a divorced man with two young children, but he'd never imagined Young-Pyo actually meeting them, or how difficult it must have been.

"He said that Soo-Yin had always wanted to meet me... you know, ever since she knew that we were together. I don't know, maybe she just wanted to see me, for whatever reasons..." Young-Pyo began."...so I went."

"His children were there, too?"

"Yes, they were." Young-Pyo nodded." Of course, I was introduced as their father's 'friend" and nothing else... but who knows, children sometimes have a way of sensing things."

"So... what happened?"

Young-Pyo folded his arms in front of himself, eyes wandering over the clutter on top of his desk." Not much. We had lunch together, talked about this and that... he spent some time with his children, me trying not to show how nervous I really was..."

The faintest hint of a smile played itself on Young-Pyo's lips, but it soon faded.

"I saw him... you know, with his children. They're what, six and three now? You should have seen the look on their faces when they saw their daddy... he hadn't visited them in ages."

Chong-Gug saw Young-Pyo lift one finger to touch a scrap of fabric that had been stapled onto a piece of paper with notes onto it-one of the samples that he had to choose from to make his wedding outfit.

"I felt guilty, Chong-Gug..." he said."...so guilty. I felt like, isn't this where he's supposed to be? With his children, watching them grow up and being there for them? What would they think of me once they found out?"

"Young-Pyo..." Chong-Gug rose off his seat and walked towards his friend, pulling up a chair to sit beside him." Tae-Young's marriage didn't work out. You know that. The divorce wasn't pleasant for him, or his wife, or his children, but staying in it much longer..."

"...would've made it worse." Young-Pyo finished for him." Yes, yes, I know."

"Then, what-"

"Chong-Gug, there's nothing I can look forward to with him. Nothing." Young-Pyo said." We have no future."

Chong-Gug shook his head." Why are you being so negative?"

"I'm being realistic." Young-Pyo said sharply." I kept trying to project myself into the future, what I want to do, what I want to achieve... and I don't see him anywhere in it."

"Young-Pyo..."

"Think about it, Chong-Gug... we can't be together the way other people are, not without questions being asked-sure there are other gay couples out there, living their lives discreetly, but we don't have that luxury, do we?"

Slowly, Chong-Gug shook his head." No, we don't."

Young-Pyo's eyes stared off into a distant point, well beyond the walls of his apartment." I just... I just don't think there's any further we can go. We can't just say-'to hell with the world, this is our own lives, our own fucking business'-we just can't. And those children..."

A single tear rolled down Young-Pyo's left eye, but he quickly wiped it away.

".they still need their daddy. I think, that they need him more than I do."

Chong-Gug released the breath that had long been held in his chest, his eyes picking out stains on the carpet.

"They can't get back together, Young-Pyo... it won't work any better than it did the first time."

"I know. I'm not saying they should get back together-I just think that his children deserve more time with him. And somehow..." Young-Pyo shook his head." .I feel like I'm standing in their way."

"You are not." Chong-Gug said firmly." Look, if all this is about you feeling guilty towards his children, or his ex-wife..."

"It's not just that, Chong-Gug!" Young-Pyo snapped." Haven't you been listening to me? There are things I want in this life, goals I've set for myself and I want to achieve, and I just can't see him featuring in any of them, no matter how hard I tried! You think I wanted this to happen?"

"Seeing as how you've made the decision and decided to go forward with it, yes, you did." Chong-Gug retorted." Now, I just hope you'd pick up that damn phone and just tell them, for God's sake!"

Young-Pyo shook his head." No..."

"Young-Pyo, you can't do this to them. You can't. They deserve to know. Tae-Young, at least." Chong-Gug took his friend's trembling, pale fingers into his hands and squeezed them." Please tell him..."

"Now's not the time..."

"When, if not now? Once you're all dressed up and ready to walk down the aisle?"

"Chong-Gug... you do know where Nam-Il is right now, don't you?" Young-Pyo looked up at him, his eyes weary.

Chong-Gug bit his lip as another painful memory came to mind." Yeah, I know where he is..."

"He's on a plane ride back to Incheon, and as soon as he gets off that plane the press are going to hound him down and make his life miserable, for not making it here, for being sent home, for whatever bullshit they can make up to fling at him." Young-Pyo said." And his own club is not going to make matters any better... Chunnam will open their arms and pat him in the head like a creature deserving pity, trying to make him look like a weakling..."

The images Chong-Gug saw inside his head were not pretty, but he knew that they were exactly what was going to happen to Nam-Il. He hated it, but there was no way to escape. News of Nam-Il's failure to secure a permanent contract with Feyenoord had found its way to South Korea, and the tabloids were quick to play it up to gargantuan proportions, as always. Never mind that they did more harm than good, never mind that what Nam-Il needed, more than anything, was for them to leave him alone.

"He will need both of them." Young-Pyo said." He will need Uke, and he will need Tae-Young. And if he can't find Uke, he'll go to Tae-Young first. And I don't think... I don't think right now is the best time to give them the news."

"You should've given it to them months ago..." Chong-Gug said flatly." The way things are going now, I wouldn't be surprised if you end up losing all three of them."

Young-Pyo seemed frightened by that suggestion, but he stilled his face into a feigned calmness and looked Chong-Gug straight in his eyes.

"I can't back down now... it's too late."

"Yeah, it is." Chong-Gug nodded." It is."

For a while all they could hear was the traffic passing outside Young-Pyo's window, and the soft ticking of the clock that hung on the wall, as if warning them that time was running out.

"Tell him, Young-Pyo." he said again." You must tell him."

"Chong-Gug..."

"You will hurt him either way, you can't avoid that..." Chong-Gug said."...but you must tell him. He must hear it from you."

Young-Pyo looked away, shrinking into himself.

"He will hate me for this..."

"He very well might." Chong-Gug agreed." But, like you said, you can't back down now."

"I know..." Young-Pyo said weakly."...and his hate won't be the only one."

Time seemed to slow down indefinitely as Young-Pyo retracted his fingers from Chong-Gug's grip, growing distant, retracting back behind the wall of projected calm he'd erected around himself to shield the fact that he was falling apart. But Young-Pyo couldn't afford to fall apart. He was going to be married in less than a month's time, and somewhere in South Korea, a young woman named Jang Bo-Yoon was happily counting the days until she would officially become Mrs. Lee Young-Pyo.

Chong-Gug's gaze wandered over the framed portrait on Young-Pyo's desk that showed him and his bride-to-be, back when they were friends in college. They did seem like a good match, and she was pretty enough a woman though certainly not Miss Korea material-neither was Jung-Ah, for that matter, but Chong-Gug couldn't care less. He was done with the uncertain ups and downs of life and how things could sneak up on him when he wasn't looking and take everything away from under his nose.

He wanted something stable, something sure he could hold onto, something he knew would last and would not be subject to ridicule and scrutiny, and his long friendship with Jung-Ah and their honesty with each other seemed a strong enough base for what he hoped would be a lasting union.

Did Young-Pyo have those same things? Or did he spend endless hours staring into that photograph, convincing himself that he loved Jang Bo-Yoon, or at the very least, would learn to love her as time went on? Chong-Gug had not seen Young-Pyo love anyone as passionately and as deeply as he loved Tae-Young, giving himself whole into the relationship, but as Young-Pyo said and Chong-Gug knew for himself, love alone just won't do. Not in this world.

Young-Pyo was trying to be a good son, fulfilling his parent's wishes to repay their unmeasured love and kindness through his twenty-six years. Trying to give his ailing father the pleasure of holding a grandchild in his arms before old age would claim him, returning him to the Almighty. His bride's parents, no doubt, would be delighted to have their daughter marry a man so kind and gentle in his demeanor, diligently religious, with a future that loomed bright over him.

A future, he said, which he could not see the person he loved most being any part of.

No future. No chance to live long and happily together, safe in anonimity, spending countless days and nights together in a love that others would shun and declare as sinful conduct. No marriage, no bed of roses, no children, no photographs to place in frames and display on the mantle of the fireplace. No future.

So where did that leave the others, Chong-Gug thought. Where did that leave people like Nam-Il and Uke, still blissfully in love and not caring what tomorrow could bring, what cruel twist of fate could end their happiness? Chong-Gug didn't think he could bear having to go through something like this, the desperation of a close friend that he could do nothing to help, the second time. Or the third, or the fourth.

His eyes saw the golden cross that hung around Young-Pyo's slender neck and his thoughts turned to God. It had always been his faith, and his firm belief, that every thing he'd had to go through, every painful twist and turn, had happened for a reason. He was sure that God meant for him to love, be it Jung-Ah or Chun-Soo. The pain he'd put them through, and the pain he received from them, had all happened so he could learn, so he could grow stronger.

He'd made a choice. He'd chosen Jung-Ah, and Chun-Soo would be happy for him. He knew that-it was Chun-Soo's own wish that he went forward with his life and move on, and that was exactly what he was doing.

"Young-Pyo..." he spoke again after an age of silence had passed between them." Does she know? Does Bo-Yoon know?"

Young-Pyo shook his head weakly." I know I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I don't think this is a good time to tell her, either."

Chong-Gug sighed heavily." Well, when and if you choose to tell her is your own business, not mine... but I still think you have to tell Tae-Young as soon as possible."

Young-Pyo wrapped his arms tightly around himself, looking unconvinced." Have you told Chun-Soo?"

Chong-Gug felt a tinge of apprehension up his spine." Not yet."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Yes..." Chong-Gug nodded." I plan to call him sometime in the next few days."

"Will you invite him?"

"The date falls on a K-League matchday, so I don't think he can attend... but I'll send him an invite just in case."

Young-Pyo smiled weakly." I hear your party is going to be quite big..."

Chong-Gug shrugged uneasily. 'Quite big" was an understatement if one considered the amount of preparation that was being put into his wedding. His brother, bless him, had been in the thick of it all, throwing himself into the planning of his little brother's wedding with even more fervor as he did with his own wedding some years ago. Chong-Hwan had said that he wanted to make the ceremony itself as his 'wedding present" organizing it to perfection and with all the extravagance one could imagine.

Money was no issue-the products that Chong-Gug had an endorsement contract with, along with his agency, had all stepped up to help with the occasion, as long as they were allowed access to the ceremony and to advertise their products-using the TV spots that had Chong-Gug in them-during the live broadcast of the ceremony.

Ah, yes... the live broadcast. Last Chong-Gug heard, almost all of the TV stations in South Korea were clamoring for the rights to broadcast his wedding, something he found rather unbelievable and baffling, to be honest. Chong-Hwan had hired an event organizing company especially for this, and they helped negotiate deals with the stations. It was decided that camera crews from all TV stations were allowed access to the wedding, but only one station would be allowed the live broadcast.

The venue itself would be SkyCity Convention Center, with the entire building being rented out for the day. The ceremony would take place in one of the convention halls in the upper levels, while the wedding reception would take place in the cavernous ballroom in the ground floor. It was going to be a big wedding, to say the least. Bigger than Ahn Jung-Hwan's, even, and that was a handsome soccer superstar marrying a Miss Korea finalist. Chong-Gug felt that he and Jung-Ah were nothing of that sort.

"Are you going to wear traditional dress?" Young-Pyo asked.

Chong-Gug shook his head." Jung-Ah doesn't like that, so we won't have any of the traditional ceremonies... I only need to wear two different outfits, thank God."

Young-Pyo smiled." Jung-Hwan had to wear five."

"And he actually looked good in all of them, and so did Hye-Won." Chong-Gug said." They'd look good even if they got married in jeans and t-shirts."

Young-Pyo managed a small laughter, again taking in the sight of the clutter on top of his desk."I'm wearing this..." he said as he picked up a fabric scrap.

Chong-Gug saw the material and frowned slightly. It was a silky, though slightly heavy fabric that seemed luxurious and expensive, but the colour was what seemed odd to him." You're wearing... gold?"

"Mama said it's good for luck." Young-Pyo said." And I will need a lot of that."

Chong-Gug saw his friend's expression darken slightly after he'd uttered those words, but Young-Pyo quickly put the fabric away and seemed to search for other things to focus on, other things to talk about.

Other things to take his mind off the daunting, difficult task that still lay ahead of him, and the undoubtable pain he would have to inflict.

"Ki-Hyeon is getting married also..." Young-Pyo said." A day or so after me-but they're keeping it relatively simple."

Chong-Gug nodded. Seol Ki-Hyeon was his age, and two years younger than Young-Pyo, but he seemed to display a degree of maturity and poise that was greater than both of them combined. The woman he was about to marry, Yoon Mi-Jie, was his girlfriend of many years as well as the mother of his infant son. To them, marriage was the logical next step in the relationship, something to cement their bond into a permanence that would validate their status.

Would there ever be a place in this world, Chong-Gug thought, where people didn't need to validate their existence with formalities that could push them into betraying their own hearts?

On to Part 5