You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
I can't go on just holding on to times, now that we're living separate lives...

Well I held on to let you go
And if you've lost your love for me, you never let it show
There was no way to compromise, so now we're living separate lives...

"Separate Lives" - Phil Collins -

Saturday, July 20th 2002 01.00 a.m.

The rain has finally stopped, so I decide to go out and check my car for tomorrow's drive back to Busan. Nam-Il's fallen asleep on the couch in the living room, and I last saw Hong in the kitchen fixing himself a cup of coffee.

I guess I just need to get out of the house - and get away from him.

It all feels so awkward now, with the other three asleep and only two of us awake in this big, quiet house, and for some reason I just feel like I need to be on my own, away from him. Away from the person that only a month ago was my closest companion, my trusted friend, my soulmate...my lover.

I shake the image away as I bend down to check the tires. No need thinking of it now. It's over, and it will stay that way.

When he called me to tell me about Nam-Il's little plan, I wanted to go because it made sense to ease Nam-Il's transportation problems, and I was concerned for Chun-Soo. As we made the long drive from Pohang together, I didn't feel awkward at all because all we were thinking of at the time was whether Chun-Soo was okay. We talked about him, talked about everything that was going on in his situation, and didn't have time to think about us. The only time I felt uncomfortable about it was when I called Hye-Won on my cell phone to tell her about where I'm going, and Hong was sitting right there beside me in the car, and I felt that lingering guilt again.

After all is said and done, though, I'm glad I made the decision to come here, because it turned out that Chun-Soo wasn't the only one that needed our concern. Chong-Gug was in pretty bad shape, too. In fact, I think it was Chong-Gug who ended up getting the night's rude awakening - I don't know what else to call it.

I hated every second of it, and I knew by looking at him that Nam-Il didn't enjoy it as well, but we knew it was something we had to do. It's nasty business, that's for sure - there was nothing nice about it. There were no excuses, no apologies...just the plain, hurtful truth. Once I saw that Chong-Gug was ready to jump out of his seat at the slightest hint that Chun-Soo's in some sort of argument with Hong, I knew he'd gone over the line. Well, he'd probably gone over the line months ago, and I wonder why I didn't see it then. Would I have done something if I had known? I'm not sure, because back then I had my own problems.

And that 'problem' is suddenly catching up with me now. I wish I could just shut it out, toss it out the window, run away from it or whatever, but damnit - he's right there. Right there, as beautiful as I remember, as knee-jarringly handsome as I remember.

Why am I even thinking of this? Don't I have enough problems already? I may not be able to play competitive football for another six months if no decision is made, and even at the highest levels talks may stall. I need to figure out how I'm going to stay in shape and stay in top form - and how I'm going to stay sane while I wait for the decision. I need to look after my wife, need to assure her that everything will turn out okay - so why is my head filling up with thoughts of things I should've forgotten?

That night in Seoul I had to let go of something that was so precious to me...yet it was something that shouldn't have been there in the first place. Aferwards I spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning, saying over and over again that it was the right thing to do, that it had to end. When I finally returned home after all the celebrations and ceremonies to find Hye-Won waiting there, smiling at me, as beautiful as she was the day I fell in love with her and unchanged in the way she welcomed me into her arms, I felt my insides crumble. I held her, kissed her and told her how much I loved her, how much I've missed her, I tell her all this mess about my status will soon be worked out and that she didn't have to worry.

Inside, my conscience screamed at me that she deserves better than this. She deserves better than a man who pledged his undying love to her and sealed the bond with God as a witness - only to be so easily swept away and fall in love with another man, another woman's husband. She deserves better, and I promised to myself that I'd make it up to her, that I'd put everything behind me.

Then why did I feel so envious earlier tonight, when I saw Hong with Chun-Soo in his arms, spinning him around like a child? While Chong-Gug was holding on to me, his body trembling with the overwhelming relief of hearing Chun-Soo's laughter again, why did I wish that it was me being held in his Hong's arms, being spun around the air like a child?

"Ahn..."

Startled, I stand up and turn around. Hong is standing just a few feet away from me - I didn't even hear him coming. How long has he been watching me? Or should I ask how long have I been crouching down here, gazing blankly at the tires while my mind was someplace else?

"Just checking the car..." I try and act casual, but I know I'm failing miserably - he knows me too well for that.

"Oh," he nods slowly. I sense the same discomfort in his gesture, but I say nothing.

"Is Nam-Il still asleep?"

"Yeah. Once his lights go out, he stays that way. Sleeps like a log," he chuckles lightly. "So tell me...how are the negotiations coming?"

Small talk, pointless questions with answers he already knows. What's he trying to do? "Not much progress, I'm afraid."

"I thought you and your agents were taking this to FIFA."

"We are...but even then it might take some time." I shrug. "I don't know...I try to keep up with the details of the negotiation, but it all boils down to numbers and clauses that I can't really figure out on my own."

Damnit, damnit...why is he walking closer to me? What does he want? Don't come any closer, Hong. Just don't. God, why do the garden lights have to fall on you from that angle and illuminate you like that? Why do you have to look so good? Get away get away get away.

"So...do you know how long it'll probably take?"

"Unless they decide on some drastic measures..." I start to sputter as he draws closer and closer. "They...they figure it's about six to eight months."

His eyes turn wide as I say this. Such beautiful, beautiful eyes... "Eight months? What are you going to do in the meantime?"

Get away from me, Hong...please. Don't you seee what you're doing? Everything's coming back, everything's coming back so quickly now: the kisses, the passionate nights, the way I scream your name when you fuck me...

"I'm - I'm not sure..." I choke out. "Probably just train by myself or with the I.cons, and keep myself in - in shape."

"You're not going back to Italy, aren't you?"

"Wouldn't do it even if they paid me to," I shake my head. "Never."

"Good..." he's reaching for me. Why are you reaching for me? Don't touch me, don't you touch me - damn, his hand is on my shoulder. "I'd hate to think what might happen to you if you go back there."

Oh, that voice...and those words. When you say how much you care for me, it throws me right back to all those nights, all those hotel rooms and crumpled bedsheets, sweat and semen stains and the heat, the intense, unrelenting heat...

"Ahn?" his hand moves to my neck. God, please take his hand away from me. "Are you okay?"

I don't want to look at him. I don't want to look into those deep, mesmerizing eyes and lose myself in them. I can't allow these hands to touch him, can't allow these arms to hold him...because if I do, I won't ever be able to let him go again.

"Ahn, look at me..."

No, I don't want to look. I can't look. But his hands are holding my face, tilting it up to look into his, and I feel my resolve going down the drain as I remember the words I said to him the last time we were this close to each other.

I told him I loved him.

And I still love him - curse my mortal soul, but I still love him.

"Ahn..." he whispers, hot breath brushing against my nose.

Why are you doing this to me? What do you want? Don't you dare...don't you dare kiss me, don't you dare press those full, beautiful lips against mine, don't you dare suck the breath right out of my lungs like that...

Before I know it his arms were wrapped tight around me, almost breaking me in half. He's so strong, and he makes me feel weak all over. He lifts me off the ground and hauls me up, until I find myself sitting on the hood of my car. It's cold and wet, but inside of me I'm burning. Burning with mad lust and confusion, and the desperate, desperate need...his tongue snakes its way into my mouth and starts wrestling mine, and I tilt my head back and let him in and...

This can't be happening. This isn't supposed to be happening. Damn you, damn you and your irresistible pull, damn you for the way you make me tremble from head to toe and the way you make me so helpless...

No. I can't allow this. This has to stop.

Abruptly I pull myself away from him, breaking the kiss. I jerk my mouth away from his and try to loosen my body from his grip, but I can't. He has me pinned between him and the car hood, and there's little room for me to move.

"Let me go, Hong..." I say.

"No."

"Damnit, let me go!" I shove him with all the strength I have left, and he stumbles backwards, his expression surprised.

"Ahn, what..."

"Bastard!" I hiss sharply, getting off the hood and back on my feet. "You cruel, stupid bastard! Why are you doing this? How can you do this?"

He's staring at me, eyes wide and unbelieving. I almost can't believe the words that I just said myself, but I've come completely undone and I can no longer hold anything back.

"I thought we've made a decision, Hong..." I say, my voice quaking. "I thought you and I both agreed that it had to end."

He doesn't take his eyes off me while I say this, but I swear I can just see the guilt working its way through him, and when it finally overwhelms him he looks away.

"I'm sorry..." he mutters. "It's just that - seeing you again, and being here with you..."

I don't know why, but I laugh. A hollow, bitter laughter escapes from me and I let it out into the cold night air, not even caring if someone might hear anymore.

"Just listen to you..." I say, sarcasm bleeding an edge into my voice. "Wonder if Chun-Soo or Chong-Gug will still think so highly of you if they knew."

"Ahn!" he glares at me, looking like a man betrayed. Have I betrayed you? No, you've betrayed me. You've betrayed my trust. You've betrayed the trust I put in you that you would be able to hold up your end of the deal, that you wouldn't let something like this happen.

"You're always so wise with the little ones, Hong...so wise." I say through gritted teeth, fists balling at my sides. "Always knowing what to tell them, always giving the right advice, always being the one they can rely on. Why can't you do the same for me, huh?"

He shakes his head, digging his fingers into his pockets nervously. "Because...because it's you, Ahn."

"Oh, so it's my fault now? My fault?"

"Damnit, Ahn!" he kicks at the ground angrily. "What do you expect of me? I'm only a man - I have limits."

"Yeah, and you've just went beyond those limits." I retort.

His head turns toward me abruptly. "Don't you start blaming this all on me, Ahn."

I shake my head wrap my arms around myself - the night feels so much colder all of a sudden. "Hong...I'll admit that I was the one who made the first mistake. I made a mistake by offering you that stipulation, by telling you that we could be together for a time and forget the rest of the world even exists. It was a shallow, selfish thing to do...and I did it without thinking of the consequences."

"Neither of us thought of the consequences..." he muttered. "And now we're both paying for it."

I nod slowly. "There are many, many things I remember about us..and most of them are good memories. I remember how you told me to keep working and training when I'd almost given up, how you talked to me after I missed my penalty kick, how you gave me strength when I needed it the most..."

"I remember." Hong looks at me, guilt and sadness visible in his eyes even the dark. "What we had was good."

"Unfortunately, it's also wrong." I say bluntly. "There's no excuses for us there."

He takes a long intake of breath and releases it slowly. "No...no excuses."

Somehow I find the courage to step closer to him, despite every bit of sense I have left inside telling me not to.

"Hong...I won't lie to you. There's a part of me that still needs you, that's still in love with you."

He looks at me longingly, the lines on his tired-looking face clearly visible. "That's the way I feel, too."

"Deep down I know I'll always have this need..." I continue. "The need for the things that I know I won't get from anyone else."

"We understood each other." Hong says slowly. "And we both needed someone with that kind of understanding."

"Yes, but let me tell you what I don't need, Hong." I raise my voice slightly. "I don't need the guilt I feel whenever Hye-Won asks me about what I experienced during the World Cup, whenever she says how much she admires you for everything you've done..."

"Ahn," his eyes are pleading me to stop, but I go on. I have to go on.

"I don't need all those sleepless nights I've spent haunted by your wife's face, haunted by the kind words she said to me when you introduced me to her..."

"Ahn, please - "

"...and when I do fall asleep, I certainly don't need having those nightmares where your children are crying for you, calling for their daddy, but you're not there for them!"

"AHN!" he looks like he's about to make me shut up, but I back away from him before he does anything.

"After we parted ways in Seoul..." I lower my voice again. "I promised myself that I will never, never put myself in that position again. So can you please, please do me a favor and not put me there, too? Is that too much to ask for?"

He's pondering this while his eyes study me from head to toe. I feel like I'm laid bare underneath that gaze, but this time I don't flinch. He has to know. What he finds within me may not be to his liking, but he has to know.

Finally, after what feels like eternity, he does something that totally catches me off guard. Slowly, deliberately, he sinks to his knees - right there in the cold, wet driveway. He never takes his eyes off mine, and all I can do is follow his movements, questions dying as soon as they appear.

"You're right..." he says, his voice suddenly firm. "You're right."

"Hong..."

"We shouldn't have put ourselves in that position in the first place, and I almost put you right back there tonight. So come here and give me my punishment."

"Hong, I can't..." I shake my head.

"Just give me one right here, Ahn..." he tilts his head and points to his left cheek. "Go on, I need it. I deserve it."

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to hit you!"

"Damnit, Ahn! Just do it!" he snaps.

All I can do is look at him, startled beyond words.

"Look..." he says. "What I did tonight was wrong. And I want you to help me redeem myself."

"By hitting you?"

"By letting me pay for it in some way. And you're the only one who can do it."

"I'm not sure about this..."

"Please, Ahn." Hong's voice took an edge. "It's the last favor I'll ever ask of you."

Reluctantly, I walk towards him, inching closer until I was looking down on him as he kneels before me. My right hand curls into a fist, but I'm still hesitating.

"What are you waiting for? Do it!"

Spurred by his words, I swing my fist at him and hit him on the left side of his face. The thud I hear as my punch connects with his flesh tells me that it wasn't too hard, but apparently enough to cause him to stumble sideways, falling on his elbows.

I feel myself shaking as I watch him slowly get up, clutching his face as he does so. My fist hurts a little, but for some reason I feel a sense of relief. Maybe he's right after all. Maybe we both needed this.

"Feel better now?" he asks me as he flexes his jaw. I see no visible mark, but in this darkness there's no way to be sure.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking that question?"

He looks at me, one hand still on his face, and offers me a little smile. "Yeah. I feel much better now. Thanks,"

"So...no hard feelings, then?"

"Oh, no..." he waves his other hand in a dismissive gesture. "I asked for it, right?"

"Yeah...yeah, you did." I nod. "Are we even now?"

"We're even," he straightens his posture, displaying his full height to me. "And we're also finished."

Finished. We're finished. As much as those words stimulate longing or even regret inside of me, I try to quell them. "For real, this time."

"For real," he assures me.

We spend several long moments just standing there, looking at each other, the silence speaking for itself.

"We should get back in the house." Hong says finally. "It's cold out here."

I nod and we both start to make our way back to the steps leading to the front door, when suddenly I burst out laughing. Not the cynical laughter like before, but a real, amused laughter.

"What? What's so funny?" he looks over at me quizzically.

I put my hand to my mouth to stifle my laughter, then look at him and give him my most mischievous smirk.

"All those nights we spent together, Hong...and you never told me you were masochistic!"

His eyes widen to the point where I thought they'd burst at this remark, but it just made me laugh again. I laugh so hard I have to bend over and put my hands on my knees, and soon I hear him laughing too. It feels so good. When I compose myself enough to look back up, he's laughing and shaking his head at me.