Again, much thanks to Matchbox 20 for their wonderful, wonderful songs. Or should I say, thanks to the reviewers at amazon.com for their analysis of this album, and clearly saying which song has the right atmosphere. *hugs computer*

Take your head around the world, see what you get from your mind
Write your soul down word for word
See who's your friend, who is kind

Take your straight line for a curve, make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty for the way you're feeling now

Take yourself out to the curb, sit and wait, a fool for life
It's almost like a disease, I know soon you will be

Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you'll carry on
But no...oh no, you won't be mine

"You Won't Be Mine" -- Matchbox 20 --

Saturday, July 20th 2002
06.00 a.m.
Kyongju Mountain Pass

We decide to make a stop to switch drivers about halfway through the journey - I'm not accustomed to driving Nam-Il's Rio and he seems to be more wide awake now than he was when we left Ulsan. Chun-Soo waved us off, smiling and definitely looking better than he did last night, so I can only hope that he keeps his word to me, that he keeps his word to Chong-Gug.

"There's a rest stop there..." Nam-Il points to the side of the road. It's just a very small rest stop with restrooms and several tables and benches, nothing else. Which is fine, because we don't want to actually bump into anyone on this trip.

"Why don't we just park the car and stay a while?" I say as I turn into the stop's deserted parking lot.

"You don't have to be at morning training?"

"No, I called yesterday and told them I'll have to miss it - I told them my son was sick."

Nam-Il smirks. "Sneaky."

"Hey, just because I'm old doesn't mean I can't still be sneaky sometimes."

"You're not that old, Captain..."

"What about you? Do you need to be there at a certain time?"

Nam-Il shakes his head. "No. I don't travel with the team these days. As long as I show up at the stadium an hour before kickoff to sign autographs, they're happy."

He reaches behind my seat and pulls a thermal flask from the back pocket. We had it filled with coffee upon leaving Chun-Soo's place, just in case any of us get drowsy along the way. "You wanna sit here or go out?"

I look around us - the traffic is very light, almost nonexistent. And the chances of anyone actually stopping here and recognizing us are slim. "Let's go out."

We both get out of the car - the morning chill quickly settling in. I wrap my jacket tightly around myself, and follow Nam-Il's cue as he sits on the car hood. It's a bit hot, but I prefer it to sitting in one of those damp-looking benches.

He pours some coffe into the flask top and offers it to me, but I shake my head and gesture at him to drink first.

We sit facing the east, watching as the sun continues to rise and makes the ocean waters sparkle. From up here, it all looks so peaceful, so beautiful. I wonder where Ahn and Chong-Gug are now...probably more than halfway back to Busan.

"Captain...I really need to thank you for coming last night." Nam-Il says.

"Hey, I was more than happy to help." I shrug. "I'm surprised you actually got the idea to call me, though."

"Well, who else would I call?" he takes a sip from the cup. "Your name was the first one that came to mind."

"You really had faith in me, did you?"

"Tell you the truth...it was a bit of a gamble." Nam-Il looks over to me and smiles. "And I'm happy that it paid off."

"Well, I'm not so sure about that..." I say. "You could've tried to knock some sense into him, yourself."

"Me? No thanks, I'll pass." he holds up hand. "If it's Chun-Soo that we're talking about, I know better than to try and sort him out myself. He wouldn't have listened."

"But you were sure that he'd listen to me?"

Nam-Il finishes the cup and screws it back onto the flask. "Captain, we've always looked up to you. He looks up to you. I know Chun-Soo can be very vocal and almost disrespectful at times, but I was pretty sure that deep down he respects you more than anyone."

I take the flask from him and pour myself a cup. "Well, I guess it turned out okay in the end. Can't say it was easy, though. Who can blame him for being so upset?"

Nam-Il shakes his head. "Those people...sometimes I just want to go up to them and wring their necks."

"From what you told me, Chun-Soo himself almost did that - and you stopped him."

"Hey, I was just saying-"

"I know, I know." I smile at him. "Sometimes I feel the same way."

"I just hope...I just hope that when the final decision comes, he'll be able to take it."

"He'll take it." I assure him. "Chun-Soo is strong enough."

"Didn't look strong enough until you talked to him, though, did he?"

"Hey..." I wave it off. "I'm not taking any credit. I was just doing what comes naturally."

"See, that's what I like about you." Nam-Il looks at me. "Always knowing what to say, how to sort things out."

At these words I start to feel something prickly creeping up my spine. I've heard those words before, only hours ago, yet said in such a different manner.

-- You were always so wise with the little ones, Hong...so wise. Always knowing what to tell them, always giving the right advice, always being the one they can rely on. --

I close my eyes. Shut up, shut up. I don't need this. I really don't need this.

-- Why can't you do the same for me? Why can't you do the same for me? --

-- Because it's you, Ahn. --

Damnit, did I have to say that? Have to throw everything right back in his face after it was clearly me who'd started the situation last night?

Always knowing what to say? Hardly.

-- Bastard. You cruel, stupid bastard. --

Guess I am, huh? Guess I really, really am. But don't think that you've suffered alone, Ahn. I suffer too, you know. When I hold little Sung-Min and Cheong-Min in my arms, when I hear their laughter and the way their innocent eyes look at me, the way I know that their future is in my hands...you don't know the sort of guilt threatens to overwhelm me at that point, Ahn. It's much different than yours, and much more intense.

Nam-Il hasn't bothered to ask me about the bruise on my cheek, but I think it was mostly because he was still too groggy and sleepy to notice. It still hurts, but it can't compare to the hurt I feel knowing that I'd forced him to do it to me. Yeah, so I can at least feel like I've done something to pay for what I did last night, but is it just my ego speaking? Does it mean that I'm trying to shy away from where the real responsibilities lie? No matter how many times he hits me, it will never atone for last night. Never.

I bring the cup to my lips and drink slowly, hoping the warmth will help quell the rising bile in my throat.

"So..." I say, just to keep the conversation going. "When will you start playing again?"

Nam-Il flexes his left ankle thoughtfully. "Two weeks, maybe three."

"Well, that's good to hear."

He sighs wistfully. "The sooner the better. I'm getting pretty sick of this freak show the club has devised, parading me around the stadium before every match to sign autographs and wave to the crowd, and then not playing at all. I feel so silly."

I can understand this. Nam-Il was never the sort to enjoy the spotlight, and he keeps to himself most of the time. He's a very simple person, nothing flashy at all, and being thrust into all this insane media circus is clearly taking its toll on him.

"The price of fame, huh?" I mutter.

"I'd rather not be famous at all if this is the price...if what Chun-Soo is going through is the price. I mean, it was a team effort - why do only a few of us get the recognition?"

"Well, society here works that way...not much we can do about it." I shrug.

"I want to get out of here, Captain...go abroad and play. Doesn't matter if I play in a small club, if I never get any media attention, if my name isn't mentioned in every sports tabloid in the country three times a day...I can do without all that."

"I know you can." I say. "Have you talked to your club about this?"

"They said they wouldn't stand in my way if the offer comes, but..." he cocks an eyebrow at me. "I'm going to push for a written agreement."

"Good for you."

"I'm going to be diplomatic with them, and if I have to I'll use Chun-Soo's situation as a reference. I won't let them do to me what the Ulsan Tigers are doing to him."

"Okay, now you're getting sneaky." I smile.

"I'm getting smart." he says bluntly. "I have to, else I'm going to end up just another corporate puppet. Footballers have brains too, you know."

"Too bad most of the world doesn't know it," I smile. "You should get an agent."

"I'm in negotiations now." he says. "If anything, Chun-Soo's situation made me realize that I can't just sit around and wait for good things to happen. I have to make them happen."

I admire this kid's determination. There aren't many people his age who has his sort of drive, his no-nonsense focus and his refusal to be pulled by the spotlight and public spectacles, drawn into a myriad of advertising contracts and glitzy publicity shoots.

Ahn made that move once, and I can't say that it was a bad decision then, but it has hurt him in the long run. People look at him and remember the music videos and the commercials, instead of his goals and on-field exploits. Well, save the goal against Italy. But look where that goal has gotten him now.

"How is...how is Jung-Hwan's negotiation coming?" Nam-Il asks.

I shrug and try to act casual, though my heart is starting to beat rapidly as memories of last night's conversation comes surging back to me.

"Not much progress...they're taking the case to FIFA this week."

"Worst case scenario, what if they tell him to go back to Perugia?"

I close my eyes. That must not happen. That must never, never happen. There's no telling what might become of him if he goes back there, what they might do to him. Call me paranoid, but just thinking about all the possibilities sends an icy jab right into my gut. I don't want to see him hurt, I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

God, why is it so hard for me to stop thinking about him? It's as if last night wasn't enough to convince my stubborn heart that I have to end it, and I have to end it now. I've done us both enough harm, and last night I nearly sent us tumbling down a hole we'd never be able to crawl out of again. If he hadn't stopped me, if he hadn't pushed me away...

And yet I remember all too well that I actually felt angry when he pushed me away. I was actually expecting him to surrender, and I was shocked when he didn't. So what does that say about me? It means that he was right. I am a cruel, stupid bastard. No argument there.

"I hope...I hope that doesn't happen." I say quietly.

I don't know if Nam-Il's picking up on my change in manner whenever Ahn is brought up, but I know he's not as ignorant as some people make him out to be. He noticed what was going on between Chun-Soo and Chong-Gug, didn't he?

"Nam-Il..." I try to change the subject. "You and Ahn talked to Chong-Gug last night, didn't you?"

He nods slowly. "I know you came into the dining room and saw him crying, Captain...but believe me, we weren't trying to deliberately hurt him or anything."

"Hey, I'm not accusing you." I hold up a hand. "I sort of expected that to happen."

"You did?"

"Well, somebody had to start talking to these two. I got Chun-Soo, and it was only natural that you and Jung-Hwan got Chong-Gug."

"I didn't like it." he mutters flatly. "It wasn't pleasant at all."

"I can imagine."

"Jung-Hwan did most of the talking, though."

"Did he?"

"Yeah, and I sat there listening and thinking to myself - is this what love is all about?"

I swallow hard as I hear this question, and he turns to look at me.

"Captain...how's it possible? How's it possible that they can love each other that much, so much that they can't see anything else going that's going on around them? Is that what love does to people?"

Yes, it is. That's what being madly and desperately in love does to you. It makes you crazy, it makes you blind, it makes you prepared to throw away everything your life has been all about for years just for a chance, just for a few precious moments that you may end up regretting all your life.

"Nam-Il..."

"I don't understand it. I mean, seeing them like that scared me..." he takes a deep breath. "...but I guess there's a part of me that envies them."

I look at his face, at the way he's staring off into the distant oceans thoughtfully. "Why?"

"Because I don't know how it feels like. Can I ever love somebody that much? Would I be ready to devote myself to someone someday, thinking that 'this is it'? I don't think I'll ever be ready for something like that."

I've never seen this part of him before. So unsure of himself. I've definitely never heard of him talking about love or relationships, but maybe that means that he really isn't ready for something like that. I can only imagine what seeing Chong-Gug and Chun-Soo did to him, what confusion it must have caused him.

"You're not involved with anyone right now, are you?"

He shakes his head. "I had the opportunity once...and I turned it away. Didn't even bother to explain it."

"And was it love?"

"I don't know." he shrugs. "Never gave the feeling a proper chance to grow, never even really sat down to think about it."

"Are you still willing to give it a try, now?"

"I'm not sure." Nam-Il breathes deeply. "I don't want to lose my mind like Chong-Gug did, and I definitely don't want to become vulnerable and dependent like what I saw in Chun-Soo last night. That's the last thing I want in this world."

"You always were the independent one, Nam-Il." I say. "Doing your own thing, blissfully unattached..."

"Yeah, but what if I stay that way?" he looks at me, his eyes brimming with questions that seem so uncharacteristic of him. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"I don't know." I shake my head. "You won't know the answer either, not until you try."

He chuckles bitterly and rubs his face with his hands. "I thought I was going to be the innocent bystander of this little gathering. Guess I was wrong."

"Well, let me tell you something..." I inch closer to him on the car hood. "We all came there last night not knowing what to expect, right?"

"Right."

"And trust me, we all came out of it carrying something with us...all the while leaving something behind."

He looks at me thoughtfully, then nods his head. "I guess so."

"You're afraid of what last night might do to you. You're afraid that it will change you, all the while you've always thought that you're happy being the man you are now."

Another nod, more slowly this time.

"I left some things back at that house too, Nam-Il..." I say to him. "Demons of the past. Demons that have haunted me so viciously that I'm afraid Chun- Soo may need to bring over a priest to cleanse his house before long."

"I...you did?"

I nod. "Some of us may have been hurt more than others, but ultimately nobody came out of it unscathed."

"Well...you got that right."

"Do you trust me, Nam-Il? Do you still have faith in me, the same faith that prompted you to call on me to help sort Chun-Soo out?"

He seems confused as to why I'm asking this question, but there was no hesitation in his answer. "Yes, I do."

"Good, because last night..." I breathe deeply before continuing. "Last night I lost somebody's faith in me, and I may never get it back. And it's all my own fault."

"Captain..."

"But as long as I still have the faith of people like you, that means I haven't lost everything."

"What - what are you talking about?"

"I'll tell you sometime." I tell him. "When you're ready. When I think you've let yourself change enough to understand."

"Are you suggesting I give in to that change, then?"

"Love can hurt you." I say truthfully. "It can really, really hurt you. I won't tell you otherwise. It can drive you nuts, just like you said."

"But?"

"But I can't imagine you turning away from every chance you have at it, for fear of what it might do to you. That's not living."

"I know, it's just that..."

"And don't think that Chun-Soo and Chong-Gug aren't thinking even at this moment, that they'll someday be ready for each other again. They know what happened to them was wrong, and they were more hurt because of it than any of us, but they're willing to take that chance."

"So it's only fair that I take that chance too, huh?"

"Don't rush yourself." I pat him lightly on the back. "When it comes, it comes. And who knows? You just might like it."

He smiles and gazes off into the brightening sky, and deep in my heart I pray for his soul, and for whoever might be out there waiting for him. God, don't let him fall like I did, don't let him make the same mistake, don't let him turn bitterly away from love just because the pain it might have caused him at some point.

I may never be able to make it up to Ahn, I may never be able to regain his trust in me. Nam-Il doesn't have to go through that, Chong-Gug and Chun-Soo don't have to go through that, either.

If I had the opportunity to go back in time, before this all started, would I have stopped myself from falling for him? As much as it frightens me, I don't think so. I guess that shows what a weak man lurks somewhere inside of me. He's too irresistible, he's too beautiful. Face like an angel, eyes that sparkle brighter than even the brightest stars, a soft voice that says my name like a prayer...

"You ready to go again?" Nam-Il asks.

"Huh? Oh, okay...let's go." I shake off the thoughts and get off the car hood. Tossing him the keys, I get inside the passenger side and put the thermal flask back in the seat pocket behind the driver's seat, while Nam-Il starts the engine.

We re-enter the road and begin to drive again, my mind starting to drift away. All those unanswered questions, all those unresolved issues that may never, in fact, be resolved.

-- Why can't you do the same for me? --

Why, indeed? Why couldn't I be the figure of wisdom and self-control at a time where I needed it the most? When it concerned not just my happiness but his as well, and those of our loved ones?

I only have to close my eyes to see the look on his face, the look that threatened to rip my heart out of my chest. I've failed him. I've failed both of us. I even refused to let go when he asked me to.

I didn't want to let go. It felt too good, it felt too damn good to be able to hold him again, to kiss his lips and taste his tongue, to feel that body in my arms...

-- I don't need all those sleepless nights I spent haunted by your wife's face, haunted by the kind words she said to me when you introduced me to her...--

Stop it. Just stop it. Don't go there, don't go there, don't go there.

-- And when I do fall asleep, I certainly don't need having those nightmares where your children are crying for you, calling for their daddy but you're not there for them! --

My children. My beautiful, beautiful children. Their ringing laughter, their innocent faces, the tiny hands that curl around my fingers the first time I held them in my arms as newborns, the way they come running to me and I pick them up in my arms everytime I go home, the way their sweet little voices call to me...

They need me. My wife needs me. I may have failed Ahn, but I can't afford to fail them. I will not hurt them the way I've hurt him. I will not. More than ever now, I need to put everything behind me and forget. And forget.

It won't be easy, I know it. And I can only pray that he finds it easier than I am. He didn't deserve to be put through what I put him through last night. True, we may have been equally to blame for how this all started, but last night...last night I went over the line.

Human frailties notwithstanding, I should've managed better than last night.

I look over to Nam-Il, driving there with that bland, emotionless look on his face, one that you so rarely see on him.

Did I do something right by telling him what I've just told him? I hope so. That means I've done at least one thing right since last night. It won't make up for it - nothing will, but at least it allows me some salvation.

What, then, will be Ahn's salvation?

He'll make it, I keep telling myself that he'll make it. He's that strong, he's a good man. Ahn Jung-Hwan is not flawless by any stretch of the imagination, and neither am I. But he'll make it. He has to. For the sake of my poor, guilty little heart, he has to.

>> On to Part 10