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TITLE : Never For those unfamiliar with Lee Dong-Gook: He was the superstar of Korean football once, young and handsome and reminiscent of Ahn Jung-Hwan before he left for Perugia. But his celebrity meant little to Hiddink, and he was cut out of the final 23 for the World Cup squad. Unlike Ahn, who took the bitter pill and learned the hard way, I get the impression Dong-Gook was swayed by his status and never tried as hard as he should have. This story takes place just after the last match Dong-Gook played for Pohang Steelers before signing up for his mandatory military service, the FA Cup Final against Suwon Bluewings. With thanks to JeeSun for the Korean terms.
Cheju Island, South Korea
FA Cup Final Second best, always second best. Never the one who could make him proud, never the one he would ever look kindly upon, never the presence he wanted to acknowledge. I felt it even more as I stood there and watched as my last chance to win myself some honor before leaving this place came to an end, as the trophy passed onto other hands, as my own hands became dry and brittle in the winter's chill, as the sparsely occupied stadium rang with mild applause. And he was there, of course-calm as always, congratulating our opponents, offering smiles and back slaps, getting his own share of well wishes, for he was soon to depart for his new club, the Galaxy in Los Angeles. Even at 33, he was still getting his second chances. Even at 33, he could still begin things anew. Why? Because he deserved them. Because he's fought so long and hard in this that it's only fitting that he got them. Unlike me, the thankless fool who threw away everything he once had and never bothered to try as hard as he could have, as he should have. Not me. Never me. Red and black strip today, green and black camouflage tomorrow. Football player today, army cadet tomorrow. Story of my life. Years, years I've stood beside this man and adored him, years I've spent looking up to him, trying to learn from him, but no matter how I tried, I always fell short. The stepchild he looked at with barely an eye, the worthless one, the one who didn't fit in. Not once, not once in all these years had he ever looked at me with the same affection, the same kindness he'd shown the others. Chong-Gug, Young-Pyo, Nam-Il, Ji-Sung, even that insufferable bastard Chun-Soo..they all got his attention, they all got his love. Not me. Never me. Not the one who'd longed after it the most, the one who needed it the most. Always overlooked, always ignored. Same thing happened tonight-I tried, I tried, and the chances were there for me to take, and I took them, but still it didn't work. One ball hit the crossbar. Another went hopelessly wide. Another went slimly past the goalpost, when it should've gone in. And each time I failed, each time I squandered what should've been a certain goal, I would look the other way and see him shaking his head, and all I wanted to do was die. Story of my life, story of my life. I could've been great, they told me. I could've been the greatest, I could've been the best, I could've been up there in the steps of Gyeongbok Palace, receiving my medal of honor alongside him, shaking hands with the president, and not having to worry about the two years'worth of military training and focus on my career. But that was not to be. I was dropped, I was cut out, whatever you called it-I just wasn't good enough. And the uproar that followed my exclusion only served to deepen the wound, it only served to assure me that I was really as worthless as the coach said. The more they defended me, the worst I felt. The more they thought I should be in the team, the more I realized that I didn't deserve to be there. I watched them, I watched their rise to greatness with a smile on my lips and tears in my eyes-it should've been me, could've been me. But it wasn't me. It never will be. Never. And what I got from him only furthered my own unhappiness with myself. The stiff reception, the thorough dressing-down he gave me after the Asian Games failure, and I stood there and listened, knowing that I deserved every bitter word. I would have preferred that, the anger, the disappointment, the fury in his eyes, I would have preferred all of them to the cold ignorance he so often showed me. It wasn't supposed to be this bad. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. Just a few days ago I was ready to risk it all and lose it all, if need be, if I could just get this one trophy that would sustain me for my two years to come, spent in barracks and firing ranges and drills. That would've been my salvation, the way to pay for my reckless years, that would've been the hard-way redemption I so badly need. Until the call came. Until it was confirmed that somebody had convinced the KFA to allow Sangmu to join the K-League next year. Sangmu, the military football team, the sporting branch of our armed forces. Past records notwithstanding, Sangmu wasn't supposed to be in the league this year, because they lacked more than half the funds required. KFA had gone as far as a press statement saying that Sangmu would not be joining the league this season, so why the sudden change? Those were the questions asked by the curious press, the bewildered club presidents, the shocked fans. And, just as always, they made their own answers. That answer was me. Everybody knew I would be entering military service as soon as the FA Cup wrapped up. Everybody knew I would inevitably be playing for Sangmu, be it at amateur competitions or other events. It didn't take much of a cynic to conclude that I was the reason Sangmu was allowed into the league, that they did it just for the sake of having Lee Dong-Gook remain in the league, where his adoring fans could still see him, to rescue the dipping revenue from ticket sales. Fuck you all. Haven't you hurt me enough? They only built me up so they could tear me down again in the end-that's the way things are over here. It doesn't matter what the truth is behind all the hoopla, once they get to you, you're it. You're dead. And here they thought I was going to be so happy with the news. So very very happy. But how could I be, when I know that all it's done is give him just one more reason to be incredibly upset with me? I could clearly see it in his eyes-the disgust, the annoyance, the accusation. You did this, didn't you, Dong-Gook? You were the one who convinced them, the one who didn't want to pass up the chance of remaining in the league, when all you should be doing is serve your country and think about the chances you've missed. And if I told you otherwise, Hong, if I told you that I didn't do it, would you believe me?
Cheju Island Resort Hotel
The Suwon victory party was in full swing several floors below me, an occasion I was invited to but politely declined, as I knew better than to compound my own misery. Not that I wasn't a gracious loser-I've experienced loss so many times in my life that it's becoming some sort of a habit. See, being second best is never fun. You come so close and yet you're not quite there, not quite good enough. There are those who consider themselves unlucky to have to experience it more than once. I've experienced it all my life. I'd wandered aimlessly around the corridors before finally coming to stop before the large window near the elevator shafts, glancing out to the white, snowy world. Beside me was a large pot of artificial plants, defying the winter's chill with its garishly-coloured blossoms. They seemed to mock me somehow-the flashy pretender, never the real thing, never was truly deserving of all the praise he got. And who could protest, really, when all of it was eventually taken away from me? I knew my mistakes. I knew how foolish it was to believe that I was as good as they said I was. Damn you, good. Young-Pyo was good. Chong-Gug was good. Even that hellspawn of a brat Lee Chun-Soo was good. How good? Better than me, that's for sure. And he would never hesitate to remind me of that. The lights from the ceiling fixture reflected itself across the glittery surface of the object I clutch in my hands. As they so often said-not all that glitters is gold, and perhaps the gold-coloured liquid inside this bottle is the closest I'll ever come. Silver glittered, too. So did bronze. I've become quite well-versed in the art of stepping onto a podium slightly shorter than the one you hoped for, and as sure as the liquid burnt its way down my throat I knew gold was probably too much to ask for, ever again. I heard a loud ping, and saw that the lights above one of the elevators were blinking. Someone was returning early from the party downstairs, it would seem. I made no effort to hide the bottle in my hand-what's the use, really? "Dong-Gook? What are you doing here?" Great. Just great. I should've known this would happen. Of all the people that could've stumbled upon me in this sorry state, it had to be him. Perfect. Why don't I just lie down and die now, for all I care? "Evening, Hong-sun-saeng-nim.." I bow my head respectfully, or if so can be said when you're holding a liquor bottle in your hand. "Back from the party so soon?" An uneasy silence ensued as the elevator door closed behind him, and I kept my head bowed. Never felt like I was one of those who deserved to look him in the eyes, the privilege he had shut me off from, whether he realized it or not. "I only attended it out of my respect for them, especially Woon-Jae." his voice said solemnly. "Then you'll forgive me for not attending.." I spoke courteously. "It's not because I lack respect for our opponents." "Of course not." he said. "Dong-Gook, look at me please." I did as he said, looking up to see the face I had grown up adoring, the man I'd stood in awe of ever since I was a child, the person I'd always aspired to become, and ultimately, the man who made me realize that I would never get that far. The one who shut me out, the one for whom I was not worth the warmth and affection he showed the others. "Yes?" "Are you okay?" And since when did you care, really? Oops, I forgot..you do this to everybody, don't you? Ever the dutiful captain, looking out for the others. Never mind whether you're being sincere or not. "I am." I wouldn't dream of whining and complaining in front of you, things that would only take me further down in your estimation, if there was any lower for me to go. "Are you sure?" "I am fine, thank you for asking." I bowed my head again. "Well..okay, then." his glance took in the bottle I held in my hand, but I kept my expression as bland as I could. "Just that I never saw you drinking before." There's so many things you've never seen from me, because you never even bothered to look. Did you ever look me in the eyes and saw the boy who longed for you, who wanted more than anything to be guided and taught by you? Don't think so. "I'm of legal age.." I said flatly. "I won't be reckless." The slight twitch of his lips told me that he was thinking of all those other instances where I had been, in fact, reckless. Have you no other memory of me other than my faults, Hong? He walked towards me, and the next thing I knew he was snatching the bottle of my hand. I let him have it, my head instantly bowed in anticipation of a stinging lecture about looking after myself and such, but the words never came. Instead, he did something that caught me completely off guard. Holding the bottle in his hand he observed it for a while, then lifted it to his face and casually took a long drink. I watched, dumbfounded, as he gulped down a fair portion of it without so much as twitching an eye. When he was done he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle back to me, and my trembling hand reached out to take it. "You have good taste.." he muttered. "Enjoy it. Good night, Dong-Gook." With that, he walked away, turning his back on me-turning his back on me as always. In my confusion, I felt like I was hearing a voice from inside, telling me that this is my last chance, my last chance to ever settle whatever issues there were between us, and then the words were out of my mouth before I even realized it. "You think I did it, don't you?"
Hong Myung-Bo stopped in his tracks, head looking back over the shoulder at the man who stood behind him, and he wasn't sure he'd heard the words correctly. "Did what?" Lee Dong-Gook took several slow steps towards him, his body language signaling reluctance yet with curiosity in his eyes. "Sangmu.." he spoke slowly. "What about Sangmu?" Hong asked. "You think I did it..you think I was the one who convinced them to let Sangmu in the league, that I used whatever influences I had just so I can remain in the public spotlight." Dong-Gook's head cocked slightly to one sight. "That's what you think, isn't it?" Hong did not reply. Of all the questions Dong-Gook could've asked, he had to ask this one. The boy shook his head, strands of light blonde swaying across his brow. "Not that I expected anything else..you wouldn't have thought otherwise, would you?" "Dong-Gook, I don't like that tone of your voice." Hong remarked coldly. "How can you? It's not like you've ever bothered to listen before.." "You watch your mouth!" Hong barked before he could stop himself. "And you answer my question!" Dong-Gook shouted back with equal fury. Hong stared down at the younger man, feeling cornered somewhat. This was the first time, the first time for as long as he could remember, that Dong-Gook had dared to lift his voice at him, much less do it in this manner. "Did you.." Dong-Gook said slowly, his voice trembling. "Did you think I was behind Sangmu's inclusion in the league?" After long moments of silence, in which Dong-Gook's eyes did not lose any of their intensity, Hong finally relented, his shoulders dropping as the words rolled guiltily out of his mouth. "I did.." "Thank you." Dong-Gook replied. "That's all I need to know." He brushed past his older teammate, his steps hurried as he made his way towards the other end of the corridor. Hong stared after him in silence, an uneasy feeling deep within his gut that he had done irreversible damage. "Wait.." he finally got his voice back. "Dong-Gook, wait!" But the boy was out of his sight, and Hong was left pondering just what his words had actually meant for Dong-Gook, and if he should've said them at all, never mind that they were the truth.
"Dong-Gook, it's me.." he knocked on the hotel room door. "Open up, please..I need to talk to you." There was no reply from the other side, but he could sense that Dong-Gook was in there. "Dong-Gook.." he spoke louder. "Open the door." Moments passed before he finally heard the locks being undone, and as the door swung open he was confronted with the sight of Dong-Gook's face, his eyes weary and rimmed, his hair a lot more unruly than it was the last time he saw him, and the striker did not say anything. He merely shifted his body to allow Hong inside, and the first thing the older man noticed as he walked in was that the bottle Dong-Gook had been holding in the hallway now lay on top of the TV cabinet, empty. He waited for Dong-Gook to close the door and join him in the room, and felt the tension in the confined space as the younger man walked past him, on legs that were slightly wobbly, and gestured at the chair near the window. Hong approached it and sat down, and Dong-Gook settled himself down on the bed. "I'm sorry.." Hong said slowly. "Don't be." Dong-Gook shook his head. "I expected that answer." "I shouldn't have thought of it that way, not before asking you." "And you wanted to ask, didn't you?" a bitter smile rose slightly on the younger man's lips. "You wanted to ask. You wanted to know if it was true or not." "Dong-Gook.." "You wanted to know if what they were saying about me was true, because apparently you don't know me well enough to do it yourself, do you? As wise and as thoughtful as you are.." Hong bit back the urge to retort sharply. That had been the story of his dealings with this young man-always a reprimand, always a few words to put him in his place. But he felt that to do so now would be to further whatever damage he'd already done. "Fine, you want to know? I'll let you know." Dong-Gook said, and his words were slightly slurred, the alcohol starting to take effect. "I didn't do it." Hong nodded. "I believe you." "Oh, you do?" Dong-Gook snorted. "Funny, I thought I was going to have to work harder for that." "Dong-Gook, what do you want from me?" "Want? What do I want?" Dong-Gook rose from the bed and hobbled closer to where Hong was sitting, a sarcastic smile on his face. Hong flinched in his seat, the knot in his stomach tightening. "I'd much rather spend two years in some military hellhole away from cameras, away from the press, away from football, even.." Dong-Gook's voice rose in pitch. "If that would mean that this whole damn country and you, especially you, would stop scrutinizing me for every little mistake I make." "Dong-Gook, that is not true.." Hong countered, but his own words sounded strange to him. Had he really meant them? "No? Then tell me this, then.." Dong-Gook's eyes were burning a hole right through him. "Why did you shut me out?" "I did not." "Like hell you didn't!" Dong-Gook snapped, liquor loosening his tongue. "All this time, while you were busy playing big brother and devoted captain to everybody else..I guess you just somehow forgot that I existed, huh?" "Dong-Gook, please.." "You know what? You didn't have to like me, or be nice to me, or sing me praises because you and I both know there's very little in me worth praising.." Dong-Gook rambled on. "..but you could at least have cared, just a bit." "I do care." Hong said. "I do." "Then why were you never there for me?" Dong-Gook retorted, his voice now shrill. "There were times when you could've helped, you could've taken me in, guided me..the way you've done with the others..and you didn't. Okay, it's not like we expect your 'magic touch' to work on everyone, everytime..but damnit, it's not like you even bothered to try with me!" For the first time in a long, long while, Hong felt stripped of all his defenses, confronted with an angry young man who were bombarding him with words he couldn't deny. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this.." Dong-Gook slumped back onto the bed. "It's not like it's going to change anything." "I'm sorry, Dong-Gook.." "Save it, I don't need your pity." the younger man cut him off. "I don't need to be reminded that this 'fate'or whatever it is that I'm going through now is all my fault. I know that much. I can deal with that. I just wonder if anything I do is ever going to be good enough..good enough for you." "You're far too harsh on yourself." "No harsher than you." Dong-Gook quickly replied. "Especially after seeing how..easy it seemed for the others-and you know who those 'others'are-to just come in there and win your recognition, your affection.." his voice trailed off. "..while all I see before me is a great brick wall." Hong's eyes were screwed shut, but it didn't stop the words from reaching him, didn't stop the pain it woke, or the memories it stirred. -You could've helped me, and you didn't.- -You were always so wise with the little ones, Hong..so wise.- -All I see before me is a great brick wall.- -Why couldn't you do the same for me?- -Why did you shut me out?- "No.." -You shut me out. You weren't there when I needed you. You never even bothered to try. You shut me out.- "No.." -You shut me out.- He shook his head vehemently, willing the voices out of his head, but they persisted. In front of him Dong-Gook sat, looking dejectedly in the other direction, the expression on his face all but unreadable. Hong wanted to reach out to him, touch him or whatever, but the wall Dong-Gook spoke of was there still, and he felt a displeasing sensation at realizing that it was of his own making. "They say you are a man who has gone through everything.." Dong-Gook muttered. "That you've been through hell and back, that you've experienced pretty much everything this life has to offer, felt everything there was to feel.." Hong sat and listened in silence, his hands gripping the armrests until his knuckles were bloodless and white. "But you know what? They're wrong." Dong-Gook stood up once again, and this time he walked around the bed to where his bags were sitting. "You don't know everything." Hong watched as he searched around his luggage for something, fumbling with zippers and pockets in his mildly drunken state. He returned clutching something in his hand, but Hong couldn't see what it was. "You don't know what it feels like to be someone like me, do you? Someone who never quite made it, someone who's come close before but never really achieved much.." the boy's voice was bitter, and Hong felt a lump rising in his chest. "I'm not saying that your life has been any easier than mine, because it certainly isn't, but at least you have a lot to show for it, a lot of rewards for your efforts..and what do I have?" "Dong-Gook, stop it." he muttered. "When I see you smile at them, when I see you hold them in your arms..did you ever stop to think what it would feel like to be on the other side? The one who looked up to you but was never looked upon in return, only a shadow at your side.." Hong shook his head, trying to get Dong-Gook to stop, but the younger man was now standing right in front of him, and he didn't dare to look up to meet his gaze. But Dong-Gook suddenly sank to his knees in front of the chair Hong was sitting in, confronting the older man with two eyes that were now glazed with tears, be they of disappointment or anger, he couldn't tell. "You don't know what it feels like to be me, to be Lee Dong-Gook, to be unrecognized, overlooked, unwanted, ignored.." he extended his clutched fist towards Hong. "..and unloved." The instant Hong saw the object Dong-Gook had in his hand, he felt his stomach churning. It was a medal, bronze, the Asian Games bronze medal that was the source of nationwide disappointment, and the hand that held it towards him was trembling. "I give this to you.." the voice said. "It's not something I'm proud of, but it's probably the closest I'll ever come to really amount to anything in your eyes." "Dong-Gook.." "You weren't proud of this either, as you so verbally illustrated to me when I came back wearing it." the younger man continued. "But this is the best I could manage, and the least you can do is acknowledge that I tried.." Hong swallowed hard into his parched throat as Dong-Gook reached for one of his hands and forcibly held his palm open as he dropped the medal into it, then rolled his fingers around it. "It's all I can give you. Nothing more. I'm sorry." When Dong-Gook retracted his hand Hong quickly reached out and seized his wrist, holding it tight. "Wait.." "Let me go." "No, Dong-Gook..you have to listen to me." "I have always listened to you." Dong-Gook said bitterly. "Perhaps this is the first time you've ever bothered to listen to me." The words stung him, and in reflex his grip loosened, allowing Dong-Gook to stand back up and walk away from him. As he did so Hong felt a warning voice crying out inside his head, as Dong-Gook grew distant in his own mind, just moments away from being forever lost to him, unreachable. Driven by instinct, he quickly stood up and went after the younger man, throwing his arms around him and pulling him back against his chest. Dong-Gook let out a sharp cry of surprise as Hong's strength came over him, and he immediately began struggling to get free. "Let me go.." "No, Dong-Gook." "I said, let me go!" Dong-Gook repeated, but Hong held on. He'd heard those words before, of course..and at that time letting go was the right thing to do. Not this time. Not with this man. "I can't.." he whispered into the younger man's ear. "Please.." Dong-Gook said. "We both know that you are not doing this for me, you are doing this for yourself..and I want no part of it. Let me go." Hong shook his head and forcibly turned Dong-Gook's shoulders around to face him, and the boy's eyes were fearful somewhat, and who could blame him? He was right, that Hong had never once looked upon him kindly, especially after the World Cup, even more after the Asian Games, and Hong had to seriously question his own feelings. Was he really doing it for himself, to ease his own guilt, salvage his own ego? Images flashed by him, memories of other times, other people. The safety and warmth of Hwang-Sae's embrace, unchanged through the years. How little Chun-Soo would come leaping into his arms, his laughter as Hong spun him around like a child. Chong-Gug's silky hair, a head pillowed on his shoulder. Young-Pyo's wide, beautiful eyes, the smile that could warm the hardest of hearts. Nam-Il, most recently, crying and sleeping in his arms, cradled like a baby, tears that fell on his shoulder. And the image that refused to leave him no matter how hard he tried, the beautiful face that smiled up at him in the dark, eyes that glittered, skin pearly with sweat, breath heavy with desire as that sultry voice spoke the words that lifted him and crushed him all in the same moment. -I love you, Hong. I love you.- He could just reach out and touch that face, feel the silky flesh glide beneath his hand, embed his fingers in the mass of dark curls billowing from that graceful head, but when he opened his eyes he realized who was standing before him. Dong-Gook. Lee Dong-Gook, eyes wide and fearful as Hong's right hand came to touch his cheek, stroking down on it slowly, and he realized he had never, ever touched Dong-Gook like this before. "You remind me of someone.." Hong said into the tense air between them. "Not that you two are that much alike, but you're similar, in a way. Young, promising, bright.." And beautiful.. "He trusted me once..trusted that I would never let him down, that I would be as wise and strong with him as I was with the others, like you said..but I failed him. And now he is lost to me." Dong-Gook stood there listening, but confusion was apparent in his eyes. Hong loosened his grip with his other hand on the younger man's shoulders, but Dong-Gook did not back away. Their eyes were locked, and Hong saw in them a reflection of his image, and he wondered what, in return, did Dong-Gook see in him. "Frankly, I don't know where his story ends and yours begin..either I see to much of him in you or too much of you in him..but I can't afford to lose you, too." "Lose me?" Dong-Gook's lips curled into a sneer. "Lose me? Since when did I have a part to play in your life?" "Dong-Gook.." "Now you're getting all mushy on me..what happened all those other times when you just turned your back on me and walked away?" "Don't say that." "What else would I say? Because unless you can convince me otherwise you can get the fuck out of my room, and try to stroke your bruised ego elsewhere." "Dong-Gook!" Hong said out loud. "Just hear me out, this one time, and if you don't want to ever listen to me again after this, you're welcome to do so." "Fair enough.." Dong-Gook said flatly. "Go ahead, I'm listening." "First of all, please take this back.." Hong held up the medal in his hand. "You know I can't keep it." "No, keep it." Dong-Gook pushed it back towards him. "Like I said, it's the best I've ever managed, and probably the most you'll ever think of me." "That is not true." Hong shook his head. "What I think of you, or any of the others is not measured by your medals, or the honors you've won.." "I believe it's so with the others, but with me? You don't even know who I am!" Dong-Gook retorted. "I may not, and it's my fault." Hong said. "Maybe I didn't give you the chance, or treat you fairly, or give you enough of my time.." "You owe me nothing." Dong-Gook said. "When I got cut out of the World Cup squad, I knew I deserved to be cut. I knew I wasn't good enough. What I don't understand is why you froze me out ever since.." "Dong-Gook.." "That's all I want to know. Really. I want to know why. Why this man standing in front of me, the great and revered Hong Myung-Bo, had so willingly placed himself as the rock and guardian of every other young player in the squad.." he paused to breathe deeply. "..and yet somehow overlooked a certain individual by the name of Lee Dong-Gook." Hong tried to speak, but his throat was dry and his voice refused to come to the surface. Dong-Gook's eyes had shifted back into calm, but within them he saw great sadness, and a resignation he found alarming. "Is there no part of me.." Dong-Gook spoke again, his voice croaking. "Is there no part of me, however small, that you can be proud of?" At this moment a single tear rolled free of the striker's eyes, and he quickly moved to brush it away, but Hong's hand was quicker to stop him from doing it. "Don't.." he said. "I will not cry in front of you." Dong-Gook said resolutely. "You'd hate it. I mean, it seems perfectly fine whenever they cry in front of you, and you'd be there to give them a pat on the head or whatever, but the same doesn't apply to me, does it?" "Or so I once thought.." Hong said slowly. "But a good friend of mine told me, just very recently, that it takes more of a man to show his tears than to hide them." "Well, that's poignant.." Dong-Gook sniffed. "..and did you show *your* tears to this good friend of yours?" Hong nodded. "I did." "Would you show them to me, if you had to?" Hong did not reply immediately. He reached down and took one of Dong-Gook's hand, pried away the index finger and pointed it at his own face, directing it towards the corner of his left eye, and allowed the tip of the finger to touch his skin there.
I let out a soft gasp as my finger came away, moist. I could hardly believe what I was feeling, what I was seeing. There it was, a glistening bead at the tip of my finger, the single tear of a man I thought would never even look at me twice, much less show me something that he's hardly ever shown the others. "I don't shed them easily.." he whispered, and his voice was trembling. "..you and the rest of this country know that." "Is this..for me, then?" I asked haltingly, still overwhelmed. "For me?" "For all those times I turned you away, for every instance I wasn't there when you needed me, for the way I ignored you, and thought of you unfairly." I shut my eyes tight and turned my face towards the floor, but his hand gently lifted me by my chin to look up at him once again. "I am sorry, Dong-Gook. Please believe me." he said. "And if you ask me why, the only answer I can give is that I had caused someone's faith in me to shatter, irreversibly, and I see so many bits of him in you that it got very difficult.." Just who is this person, Hong? Who do you find so similar to me that you've lost? "I thought I had done my best to help him, and when he escaped your fate I thought I had succeeded, but I lost him in the end. And seeing you.." "I am not your failure." I cut him off. "This is all of my own making." "In you I see someone whom I had not helped enough." he continued as if he hadn't heard me. "And maybe you're right, maybe it's ego that caused me to shut down on you, because I didn't want to be reminded.." So this is what it feels like to be held by you, to have your hand caress my face like you always do with them. "You deserved better." he muttered, and the words seemed to travel directly to the parts of me that had longed to hear them for so many years, and I felt long-suppressed emotions brimming up to the surface, heating my eyes. "All I ever wanted was to prove them wrong.." I said, my voice faltering. "To prove to you that I was better than you thought. But then again..I guess I'm just not." "Don't say that!" he shook his head. "I know what I saw in you once, I know that you still have it. You weren't made into what you were out of thin air.." "But I was torn down into it." I said. "All the hype, all that publicity about being the 'next star of Korean football'or whatever, I don't even know how much of it was true." "You had it all, Dong-Gook.." he said. "And you can have it still." "I want to believe that..but it's difficult to do so knowing that the next two years of my life will be devoted to homeland security." "We can still work around that.." he said. "..you know what the world is like these days, all this conflict..if this country goes to war, I don't want you in it." "If this country goes to war, someone has to defend it." I said. "Might as well be me." "Dong-Gook.." "I don't care anymore. Give me two years of service, or three, or five..heck, give me ten years if you have to, but if I come back from it and I can earn just this much respect from you or the others.." I held my thumb and index finger slightly apart. "..I will consider it time well spent." He shook his head. "You don't need to fight a war to win my respect." "Maybe not, but I will need to be a man to do so." "You already are." "Do you think so, honestly?" Again, he reached for my hand and gripped it tight. "When I walked into this room I saw a boy..but the one standing before me now is a man. And a damn good one." I could hardly believe what my ears were hearing, but his eyes were fixed on me and for once I saw kindness in them, for once they glowed with something other than anger, something other than the harsh discipline he so often regarded me with. In them I saw something I've wanted to see for a long, long time. "I don't know what else I can say to convince you, but please believe me on this. I love you just as much as I love any one of them, and after tonight.." he smiled, and it was warm and genuine. "..I may respect you even more." With that he pulled me into his embrace, and whatever urge I had in me to resist him simple melted away as his strong arms came around my shoulders. I felt his heart against mine, felt one of his hand stroking the back of my neck and up to ruffle through my hair, and my entire being was overcome with a sheer sense of relief. Years of pent-up frustration seemed to suddenly free itself, and I found myself unashamedly releasing my tears onto his broad shoulder, and his other hand was rubbing my back assuringly. This was the stuff of my anguished dreams, nights when I woke up and nearly broke into tears just realizing that it wasn't real. And if such was to happen again now I would simply take a knife to my throat and kill myself. This just couldn't be a dream. It had to be real. I allowed my own arms to embrace him, wanting this moment burned and etched into permanence in my memory, scars and all. "Now you remember this.." he said as he pulled back and took my chin in his hand. "The respect of one Hong Myung-Bo may not be easily won..but once it is, it's equally difficult to lose." He leaned in close, and I felt a shiver pass through me as his lips came into contact with my forehead, kissing it softly, slowly, letting the touch linger for a long, long while before pulling back. My eyes fluttered shut at that moment, lost in a single gesture of affection that seemed to pay for years of ignorance. "Your worth is not to be measured by goals, or medals, or trophies..and I am certainly not the person to determine it." he said. "So please, take this back." The cold bronze was pushed into my open hand, the strap wrapped around my fingers, and for the first time ever since it was put around my neck one hollow, cold evening in Busan nearly two months ago, I could regard it as an achievement, and not a failure. "You're already worth more to me than any medal can ever represent." I closed my eyes and allowed the words to penetrate me, lift me, free from the binds of self-loathing that had accompanied me for the better part of my career. A career that may be coming to an end, I note, but not without its moments. And this, this is the best moment of them all. Not on a pitch awash in floodlights, on top of a podium with gold around my neck, or lifting a trophy high above my head. Here, in this room, in the presence of a man I had so adored, who had at long last allowed me inside. "Thank you.." I whispered with what little voice I still had left. "I should be saying that." he smiled. "You opened my eyes." "I pray they never close on me again, Hong-sun-saeng-nim.." "Call me Hong." he said. "You deserve at least that." "Thank you, Hong.." I return the smile. He took a deep breath, glanced towards the ceiling, and then looked back down. "I gues..I hope that cleared up a lot of things." "It did." I nodded. "Now I just need to..you know, look ahead, be ready, whatever." "It can be rough, I won't lie to you.." he said. "..but really, not as bad as they sometimes make it sound. When are you going to register?" "I'm turning my paperwork in next month." I said. "You'll be in Los Angeles by then, won't you?" "Yeah.." he shrugged. "I guess we all go our own ways.." "We do." I agreed. After several moments of silence, he slowly began backing away from me. "Getting late..I should go back to my room." I nodded and walked him towards the door, and as he stepped out into the hallway he turned around to face me one more time. "Keep that safe.." he gestured at the medal clutched in my hand. "Someday you may look at it and think of it differently than you do now." "I think that's already happened.." I said. "Good night, Dong-Gook.." "Good night, Hong.." With that he began walking away, his back towards me, but the feeling of rejection and neglect was no longer there. I watch him go with a smile on my face, knowing that it would be a long, long time before he ever comes within my sights again, but perhaps by then so much will have changed. I only knew that all that had happened tonight would forever leave its mark on my life, never to fade away. Never. ~FIN~
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