This time all I want is you
There is noone else
Who can take your place

This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away

I start to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do

I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Take me away, take me away
I've got nothing left to say

"Take Me Away" - Lifehouse

The hand that's holding the phone to my ear is shaking terribly, threatening to drop it to the ground altogether. My other hand is holding onto the roof of my car for support, because my knees feel like they'll give way under me.

-- I told him about you and Tae-Young. --

"No."

-- I told Uke. --

"I'm sorry, Nam-Il."

Uke knows? He.he knows?

"I didn't mean to, it just slipped out of me and he just wouldn't let it rest until I told him the truth, and now I don't know where he is, and I can't find him anywhere-"

"Wait, wait, stop!" I say into the phone, aware that my voice is starting to fail me as well. "Back up a little, and tell me what happened."

"Okay."

"Slowly." I add.

"First of all, I don't want you to be angry at Tae-Young for telling me." Young-Pyo begins. "You've got enough reasons to be angry with him-which I won't contend with, so don't add this one to the list."

I swallow hard. "Okay."

"He didn't want to tell me either.but when he came to me, that night-the night you came to see Uke."

"I came with Hong." I say. "He was the one who-"

"Yes, I know." Young-Pyo cuts me off. "He told me that, too. But when he first arrived at my room, he was like a zombie, you know-couldn't speak, couldn't hear what I was saying, and he was so.afraid."

"Well, Hong wasn't exactly subtle."

"And I don't blame him." Young-Pyo says. "When Tae-Young finally came to, I asked him what was wrong.and then he told me."

"I see."

"Nam-Il." he says. "I'm sorry. I can't say it on his behalf, but I'll say it for myself. I wish it didn't have to happen."

"I know." I say.

"Somehow.there's a fucked-up part of me somewhere that thinks that.that this somehow eradicates any right I have to still be angry with you.about Uke, I mean."

"It doesn't, Young-Pyo." I say truthfully. "Tell that part of you to go take a hike."

"Glad you feel that way." he says. ".because this is a very, very difficult thing for me to do."

"What?" I ask. "What happened? What's wrong with Uke?"

"Let me tell you what's wrong with Uke." his voice grows bitter. "That boyfriend of yours can be such a narrow-minded, selfish, irrational bastard."

Okay. This can't be good. "Young-Pyo.you're gonna have to explain that to me."

"It all started.when he told me he was going to take you back."

"Huh?"

"Yes, Nam-Il.he's going to take you back. You can go ahead and jump around for a while now. I'll wait."

Take me back. Uke's going to take me back. Take.me.back. "When was this?"

"The morning after you and Hong came."

That quick? "Uh.and then what happened?"

"He thought my strange behavior was because I didn't approve of his decision. In truth, it was because I was thinking.about Tae-Young. About how I'm supposed to explain things to Uke when he finds out."

"You thought he was going to find out?"

"I had a hunch, one way or the other he was going to find out." Young-Pyo says. "Never thought he'd find out from me-or this quickly, though."

"How?"

"We were just talking.after our afternoon training. He wanted me to tell him about Tae-Young.about our trip-uh, we took a trip together after the closing ceremonies, up to a place he had in the mountains. Uke wanted to know about it."

"Oh."

"And I.I just felt uneasy talking about Tae-Young around him, and he found this unusual. He kept pushing.and then it sort of slipped out of me."

I try to conjure a mental picture in my mind. It's not pretty.

"I don't even remember what, exactly, did I say that triggered it, but from then on Uke grew serious, and he wouldn't let it rest. I had to tell him."

"Young-Pyo."

"And now I wish I'd told him to mind his own fucking business instead."

"Why? What happened?" I'm almost too scared to ask.

"He.he got so furious. He was so angry-at me, at Tae-Young, at everything. He couldn't believe it-started a temper tantrum that would shame Chun-Soo."

Now that's not good. Not good.

"And then, inevitably, he started questioning me. And at that point I got as furious as he was. We argued like hell, like we've never argued before."

I can tell where this is going. I don't like it the slightest bit.

"He asked me what the hell I was doing with Tae-Young, why I was even with him. I told him that it's none of his business who I'm with, and he accused me of being naive."

A slight pause as Young-Pyo's voice grew raspy, edged with anger.

"I told him to go to Hell."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have never, ever seen Uke and Young-Pyo argue, much less to the point that Young-Pyo was pushed towards profanities. This is going from bad to worse.

"He thought I was some sort of stupid, ignorant, lovesick sap who overlooked Tae-Young's faults just because I was too afraid to be alone."

"Is that a direct quote?"

"Yes, it is." Young-Pyo says. "And it hurts, Nam-Il. It would hurt coming from anyone, but to hear it from my own best friend makes it a hell of a lot more painful."

I feel his pain. It's in his voice, in his words, it's everywhere. Uke, Uke.what have you done?

"Then he started going through every emotional crap there was, saying things like 'I thought you were my friend' and 'why are you doing this to me' and all that.and how was I supposed to respond to that?"

I don't know, Young-Pyo. I didn't think Uke could do something like that. To you, no less. You. His best friend.

"Nam-Il.listen to me." I hear tears starting to creep into his voice. "I love Tae-Young. This is no joke. I love that man, and I'm staying with him."

"Young-Pyo."

"He needs me. And I need him. Most importantly, he loves me. And there is absolutely no fucking way I am giving him up."

"I understand, Young-Pyo." I say. "Nothing should keep you two apart. I never wished anything bad upon him.not even after what he did."

"Tell that to Uke." Young-Pyo says bitterly. "Try telling that to him."

"Young-Pyo."

"When I told him I wasn't going to leave Tae-Young for anything or anybody, of course the little jerk had to go all puppy-dog on me and say 'Not even for me?', and I."

He takes a deep, long breath and speaks again, his voice thinning out to a bare whisper.

"I told him 'No, Uke.not even for you.'"

Suddenly, bad to worse sounds like a gross understatement.

"After that, he just stood up and left. Slammed the door, and left. Just like that." Young-Pyo says, pausing to steady his breathing. "Nam-Il.I need you to find him."

"F-find him?"

"I haven't been able to reach him since, and he didn't show up for training today. I called his apartment, no answer. They say he hasn't been home since yesterday."

"Wait, wait." I say. "He skipped training?"

"Yes. The coach is furious now. No phone calls, no letters. If he doesn't show up with a good explanation tomorrow, he'll be suspended."

This can't be happening. Why would Uke do something stupid like that? Have I given off that much of a bad influence on him? Is this all because of me?

"It's not your fault, Nam-Il." Young-Pyo says, and I realize I must have said my thoughts out loud. "Not your fault. Not this time."

"Young-Pyo.I don't know why he's doing this.I really don't."

"The thought of you getting hurt-getting hurt the way you were-it's just.it's too much for him. And knowing that it's Tae-Young."

"That one's between me and Tae-Young." I say tersely. "And believe me, I have every intention of getting things resolved. I will not let it hang like this."

"I'm glad to hear that." Young-Pyo says. "But you do realize it's little comfort for me right now."

"Do you have any idea where he is?"

"No." he says. "I was hoping you would."

I think for a while, trying to figure out just where Uke could be. "Well, there is this one place."

"Then go there, Nam-Il. Find him. Bring him back." Young-Pyo says urgently. "You don't-I mean, you don't have to say anything on my behalf.I just want him back."

"Young-Pyo."

"I don't want to lose him, Nam-Il. I don't want to have to choose between him and Tae-Young.I don't want it to come down to that."

"It doesn't have to, Young-Pyo." I say. "But I do have one more thing to ask you."

"What?"

I take a deep breath, hoping I say things correctly this time around. "I broke my promise."

"Yes, you did."

"I hurt Uke. Badly. All after I'd promised you that I wouldn't."

"Yes."

"I just want to make sure that you really want me to do this, that you're granting me this chance."

"Nam-Il."

"I won't go without your blessing, Young-Pyo. I can't."

A long, long silence that feels like it's going to drag onto eternity. "I believe in second chances, Nam-Il." he says finally. "Don't you?"

Yes, Young-Pyo, I do. And I know where you're going with this, what you left unsaid speaks to me louder than words.

"I've already given Tae-Young his second chance, Young-Pyo."

"You.you have?"

"I have. That chance is with you."

Another pause, not so long this time.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Now please.go find him."

"I will."

"I want my best friend back, Nam-Il."

"I know you do. I'll tell him that."

"Goodbye-and good luck."

"Thanks."

As the line goes dead the first thing I do is open the door of my car and get inside, slamming the door shut. Only now do I allow the trembling to take over me, going from my toes to the tips of my hair, as I bury my face in my hands.

Uke knows. He knows.

Hold yourself together, Nam-Il.be strong. Your days of being weak and needy are over. Young-Pyo's counting on you. Be strong. Pull yourself together. You have to sort this one out. Now. It can't wait. Now.

Still shaking, I reach with my hand to turn the key in the ignition. The engine comes to life-my trusty Rio, ready to accompany me on another long trip. I know where I'm going. I have a feeling he's there. If he's not.then God help me.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I spot the turn off the main road that leads to the gravel track. At least I haven't gotten lost. I shift gears and prepare for the bumpy ride ahead, hoping all this will not be for naught. My heart pounds in my chest as I drive, as my head tries to think about what I'm going to say.

No, no, no.don't think about what you're going to say. He hates that. Uke hates it when you do that. He only wants the truth. He only wants the raw truth, and he doesn't want a polished, prepared speech. Just get there. Find him.

The uphills slope starts to flatten underneath me and I squint my eyes, trying to see what my headlights are able to pick up. I reach the rocky plateau where he took me after the All-Stars, still with the glittering beauty of Seoul underneath, probably colder now that it's October.

His car. It's here. He's here. I've found him.

I kill my engine and zip up my jacket before stepping out into the night-good thing I always carry an extra piece of clothing in the car. The gravel rustling beneath my feet, the sights and sounds.it brings me right back to that night, the night he first took me here.

The night it all began.

It doesn't take long for me to find him-he's standing near the edge of the ravine, looking over Seoul as he'd done with me, as he'd done after Germany, as he'd done countless times before. I step closer towards him and he doesn't acknowledge my presence, eyes gazing sullenly at the lights of the city.

"Uke." I say cautiously. "Uke, it's me."

"I don't know how you do it." He says. "I don't know how.how you could possibly do it. How you managed to keep it hidden, all this time."

"Uke."

He turns to look at me, his eyes wide with what I can only categorize as confusion. "I don't know.I don't know how to deal with this, Nam-Il."

"You don't have to." I say firmly. "You had nothing to do with it."

"All this time.and you didn't-I didn't see, didn't know."

"I never meant for you to." I tell him. "Don't you see, Uke? All this time.when I was with you-hell, even long before that, it never came to my mind. I pressed it down so much that even I forgot that it ever happened."

"I cried in that bastard's arms." he grits his teeth. "Cried in his arms, watched my best friend sleep in those same arms."

"Uke."

"And now he's gone and told me that he's not leaving that old fucking maniac?"

"Uke, stop it!" I lose my patience. "How can you say that? How can you do this to him?"

He looks at me with disbelief and fury in his eyes. "You, of all people."

"What do you expect? For me to join you in all this anger, condemn Tae-Young to eternal suffering or something? Use your brain,Uke!"

"Look who's talking." he snorts sarcastically. "I'd ask you to use yours, but I'm not sure you have one."

Oh, now we're at it. You want this done the hard way, don't you? Fine, let's do it.

"Now you listen to me." I tell him. "What happened between us has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with this. Don't you dare try to mix them up."

"Nam-Il, he hurt you." he says heavily. "Hurt you. In the worst possible way."

"You don't have to tell me that."

His head jerks in my direction. "I can't bear the thought, Nam-Il! I can't bear the thought of him, of *anyone*, for fuck's sake.hurting you."

"Uke."

"Hurting you." he steps closer to me. "I can't even think of it. How am I supposed to look at him and not feel angry? How?"

"Uke.I will not lie to you. I am angry with him. So much that at times I just want him to die. But that solves nothing."

"Nam-Il."

"I'm not asking you to forgive him, Uke.because I haven't been able to do it myself. But I will. It's going to take time, but I have every intention of getting there."

"Even.even after-"

"Yes, Uke.even after everything he did." I say. "I'm not in denial. Neither of us is. We know what happened. We're not trying to smooth it over. It happened. It nearly destroyed me. Now.it's nearly destroyed him."

"H-him?"

"Don't you understand? Tae-Young bad almost no recollection of that night. And once the truth hit him.it hit him hard. Can you imagine how that feels, Uke? Waking up one day and realizing that you've done something so terrible and you don't even remember it?"

"I bet he doesn't feel half as bad as you did."

"Definitely not." I shake my head. "I just wanted to die, Uke. To have to lie there and not be able to defend myself, looking up to see that the man you've trusted all this time, thought as your friend."

"Nam-Il, stop it!" he holds his hands against his ears. "I don't want to hear it."

"I want you to hear it!" I bark loudly. "If that's the only way I can make you understand, if that's the only way I can stop you from doing this to Young-Pyo, I want you to hear it!"

"I did nothing to Young-Pyo."

"Oh, really? I suppose he just felt like calling me, distraught and all, asking me to find you because he's scared to death that you're going to get into trouble?"

Uke's eyes go ever wider. "He.called you?"

"Why the hell do you think I'm here?"

"He called you?" Uke repeats. "Called.you?"

"Yes. Imagine how difficult that must have been for him, Uke. Because his anger for me hasn't disappeared, and that anger's fully justified. But he got over it."

In the darkness, I see tears welling up in his eyes.

"He got over it, Uke.because he loved you."

"Nam-Il."

"Uke, I am only asking you to do this: Don't take your anger out on Young-Pyo. He doesn't deserve it. He loves you-very much. It's because of that love I got these bruises on my face, and I deserved them."

He starts to look away, trying to hide his tears from me. Don't hide them, Uke. I'm not hiding anything from you.

"You're wrong, Uke.you're wrong about him and Tae-Young. He isn't naive, or desperate, or lonely, or anything else you called him."

"I called him a fool." He says painfully. "A lovesick fool who couldn't see people for what they really are."

"I think he sees Tae-Young for what he really is." I say. "Uke.the man who hurt me that night isn't what Tae-Young really is. But the man whose arms you cried in was."

Uke shakes his head. "It doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense."

"You're right, it doesn't. Do you think it makes any sense to him? Can you imagine how confused, how scared he is right now?"

"Nam-Il."

"Tae-Young needs Young-Pyo." I say. "More so now than ever. And you know what? Young-Pyo loves him."

Uke rubs the tears away from his eyes with one hand. "I can't.I just can't believe that my best friend is with some.some."

"Stop it." I cut him off. "Look at me."

He shakes his head, determined to look away.

"Uke! Look at me!" I say sternly.

Finally he complies, allowing me to glimpse the wet trails down either side of his face. There's no shame in crying in front of me, Uke.I've cried before you, I will cry before you again before all is said and done.

"What happened that night was between me and Tae-Young, Uke. The judgement isn't yours to deliver.it's mine."

"Nam-Il."

"I was hurt, yes. I was mauled, molested, and violated. I wanted to close my eyes and die. I thought I would never learn to trust anyone again. But in the process of hurting me.he hurt himself."

Uke holds my gaze firmly, waiting for me to continue.

"He can't trust himself now, and he almost left Young-Pyo because of it. You see, he fears for Young-Pyo's safety the same way you do."

And he loves Young-Pyo the way I love you, Uke.

"He needs to heal just like I need to heal, Uke. And Young-Pyo's helping him. Can't you understand that?"

He bites down on his lower lip, blinking back new tears from falling.

"Young-Pyo has what he's always wanted to have now, Uke.how can you ask him to give that up?"

"I never meant to.I just didn't want him to-"

"To get hurt. The same way I was."

He nods slowly.

"That will not happen. Tae-Young won't hurt him. Tae-Young loves him."

"Can you guarantee that?"

"No, Uke. I can't." The same way I can't guarantee I won't hurt you. "But don't you think he's going to try with all his might?"

"Nam-Il."

"Neither of us can undo what's already been done. All that's left for us to do now is try and get on with our lives. I want to do that. He wants to do that. We want to sit down and talk it out, no matter how long it takes. We want things to go back to the way they were. We don't want to hold grudges, to be enemies, to shy away from each other." I speak, realizing that I'm only now thinking of these very same things.

"I want that trust back, Uke." I say firmly. "I want to be able to trust him again. I want to forgive him, I want him to put all his guilt behind and live on. The process may not be easy for either of us, and he will have Young-Pyo by his side."

"Nam-Il."

"And I want you to be by my side, Uke." I say. "My side. Help me. Because I need you."

He's not hiding his tears anymore now-they flow freely down his face, perhaps without him realizing it.

"Please call Young-Pyo. Tell him you're sorry, that you didn't mean what you said. Because I know he didn't mean what he said, and that more than anything he wants his best friend back. He doesn't want to lose you, Uke."

No more than I want to lose you. I don't want to lose you, either. Take me back. Take me back now. I can't bear standing so near to you like this and not reach out and touch you.

"Nam-Il."

"He doesn't know how to deal with this any more than you do." I say. "All he wants is for you to be happy. And I want him to be happy, the same way I want Tae-Young to be happy.the same way I want us to be happy."

At this he is suddenly walking towards me, making no pretense of subtlety as he wraps his arms around my waist and holds me tight. I feel like I'm about to collapse over my trembling legs, but I hold myself up and I let my arms take their natural course around him, holding him. I'm not letting you go this time, Uke. This time, I make you mine. Please make me yours.

My vision blurs and I make no effort to stop the tears from falling. They fall on his shoulder the same way his tears are falling on mine. It's been days since I last held you, and it feels like forever. It's been too long. Far, far too long.

He pulls back and lets his tear-stained face brush against mine, tilting his head up to look me straight in the eyes.

"What am I supposed to do with you, Nam-Il?" he asks.

"Love me." I say without thinking. "Because I love you, Choi Tae-Uk."

I do, Uke. I love you. I know you've never heard it from me before, but you will hear it a whole lot more from here on out. That's the one thing I *can* promise you. I will say it to you as long as you still want to hear it. Over and over again. Because I never, ever want to make those mistakes again. From now on, I want you to know everything I feel for you, and I don't care what anybody else thinks. I love you.

"I've been waiting." he says. "I've been waiting to hear you say that."

"You waited too long." I say. "I should've said it a long time ago."

Finally, for the first time.he smiles. "Better late than never."

Smile for me, Uke. Always smile for me. You know I love to see your smile, to see your little eyes sparkle as you smile. I return the smile weakly, pressing our faces together.

"Take me from here, Uke." I say. "Take me somewhere with you."

"Come home with me." he says. "Stay the night."

I nod slowly, finding my tongue uncooperative to form any kind of speech. Come home with him. Stay the night with him. Sleep with him in my arms, wake up in the morning and see him first when I open my eyes.

"I'll call Young-Pyo once we get there. Think you're up for the drive?"

"Yeah." I nod. "Don't worry."

I almost don't want to let him go. But I do, reluctantly, and we both make our way to our cars. I follow him all the way, along the roads of Seoul as we make our way to Gyurie.never taking my eyes off his car, never losing sight of him. I don't want to ever lose sight of him again.

We reach Gyurie late in the night and arrive at his apartment building, and as soon as our cars are safely parked we make our way into the building and to the elevator shafts. As the doors slide shut in front of us he reaches for me and holds my hand-I pull him in and embrace him, burying my head in his shoulder, wanting nothing more than to feel his body against mine.

We get inside his apartment and out of our coats and jackets, and I excuse myself to the kitchen to fix a hot drink as he picks up the phone to call Young-Pyo. The spoon in my hand trembles as I hear him cry into the phone, saying that he's sorry. I stir the tea in the mug and stare at my reflection in the amber liquid, all the while hearing his voice talk to Young-Pyo, hear him sniffle every now and then.

I lost myself somewhere along the way, Papa.now I think I may have found it again.

I drink half the mug and save the rest of it for him-the phone call seemed to last hours for me, but the tea stayed warm against my hands and I look up at the clock to see that a mere ten minutes have passed.

When he finally hangs up, I see him wipe his eyes several times before getting off the couch to join me in the kitchen. He accepts the mug I offer him, wordlessly, and drinks. He finishes and sets the mug back on the kitchen counter, then takes both of my hands in his, our palms warm from the heat of the tea.

"Well?"

He nods and smiles. "I guess all is good now. Well, the coach will still be mad at me tomorrow, but I can take that."

"And Young-Pyo?"

"He's okay." Uke says. "You know.I even talked to Tae-Young, briefly."

I can barely hide my surprise. "You.did?"

"Yeah." Uke nods. "Apparently after calling you, Young-Pyo called him. Tae-Young came over right away."

"What did he tell you, Uke?"

"He said 'If you want to scream at me, Uke.now's the time. Go ahead. I'll listen.' And of course I wanted to scream at him, be mad at him.but it all seems so-I don't know, pointless."

"What else?"

"He said he would bear all the anger I have.as long as Young-Pyo doesn't get any of it. I guess that was when I could tell, you know. that he."

"Loved Young-Pyo." I finish for him. "For real."

"Yes." He says, then grips my hands tighter. "Just like you and me, Nam-Il.for real."

For real, Uke. No more wishful thinking, no more guessing games. I'm with you, I love you, and this is where I want to be. I was lost. Now you've found me.

"Tell me I'm not dreaming." he says.

"You're not." I assure him. "This is as real as it gets."

"Hmmm.." He nods slowly. "Are you tired?"

"Very."

"Come on." he starts to tug me towards the door to the bedroom.

Inside, I get on the bed and start taking off my clothes, throwing them over the side without a care. Uke does the same, but as he casts his shirt aside he looks like he's suddenly remembered something, and he reaches down to retrieve something from its pocket. When I see what it is, I feel my heartbeat picking up.

The koru.

"I hadn't put it back on ever since you returned it to me." he says.

"Why?"

"I wanted you to put it on for me again." he sets it in the palm of my trembling hand. "Will you do it?"

I nod slowly, and he moves until we're both sitting cross-legged facing each other on the bed. I don't bother asking him to turn around-I want to see his eyes. I take each end of the cord and let my hands go around his neck, fastening it at the back while my eyes never leave his. I tie it into a knot, letting the pendant dangle just over his collarbone-where he likes it to be.

"There." I say, retracting my hands from his neck. Uke reaches up and takes them, bringing each of my palms to his mouth, kissing them lightly. I shiver at the touch of his lips, longing to taste them with my own.

He seems to know this, and starts to lean in closer. It feels like the first time-perhaps because in some ways, it is.

When our lips finally meet, it's all I can do not to just melt into him. Your lips-they taste as sweet as they did last time, Uke. Sweeter, even.because this time I know that what I have here is mine.

>From there, everything comes so naturally-they always do when I'm with you, Uke. Skin against skin, holding each other tight as we sink into the mattress, tussled sheets and hushed words spoken in rasping breaths, and I tell you over and over again, just like I said I would, that I love you.

Just to hold you is bliss, to know that it's you I'm holding in my arms. All those cliche sayings are only cliche because they get said so much, because they're so true. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. And when you were taken from me-no, when my mistakes caused you to leave me, I realized just how much you mean to me.

But I remember the first time I put the koru around your neck, Uke.what I told you about its meaning. A spiral, a neverending loop. A new beginning.

This is it.

Everything begins anew.

~ THE END. ~

Author's Note : It's been a long, wonderful, utterly fulfilling journey writing this fic. Words can't express how much it's been a labour of love for me, how much it has pushed me to my limits and beyond as a writer, how many ideas have since sprung up because of it. I thank each and everyone of you who have given me feedback on this and all of my other stories, and especially to:

Opengoal - for providing us disturbed minds with a means to express our insanity. Neesha - for being the wonderful, wacky, crazy, witty person that you are, and being my friend. Sadie - for keeping faith in the series through all its twists and turns, and for sharing your Korean madness with me.

I also thank Zan, Anna, everybody on the ezboard. I thank the wonderful artists whose songs illustrate these stories. I thank God for granting me with inspiration-and nimble fingers.

And I thank Kim Nam-Il and co. for being such inspirational figures. You've changed my life, guys. I owe you.