This is a sad, sad piece if you ask me...and once again I'm left stunned as to why I had to do it. But once in a while, something takes over you and tells you that you just HAVE to do something, like it or not.

What if I was all right
What if I wasn't wound so tight
What if I had the balls to be bed
Would you still look at me like that
Would you be mad that I had held the old me back...

Why can't I be somebody else
Somebody who isn't too good to believe
It's okay to be just me

What if I can't remember who I'm trying to be...

"Somebody Else" - Bleu

September 4th 2002
22.30 p.m.
Ulsan Dong-Gu Residential

They say that one man's rise is another man's fall. And I believe it.

When you're just a regular guy walking the streets, when you're not any more noticeable than the person standing beside you at the bus stop or sitting next to you on the subway, when you're just a person like those millions of others, quietly going about your business in your own, nondescript life, people really don't care. You can say what you want, be what you want, do what you want, and people won't care. Because hey, they don't know who you are, right?

You can be a raving lunatic haunting a busy street corner and people would just turn their heads and pretend they didn't see you.

On the other end, when you're famous, so famous that everybody in the world knows your name, knows your face, when you've done so many things that everyone knows about, then you can say anything you want and do anything you want and nobody will object, either.

You're a face in the stars, a being separate from everyone else's mundane existence, and what you say or do becomes your own absolute privilege.

Unfortunately for me, I am neither.

Maybe I'm a fool, like they say I am. Maybe I'm a loser, like they say I am. Maybe I just don't have a brain and are letting people use me, like many had suggested. Or maybe I'm just a bitter, vengeful little boy who's out to prove his point to the world in all the wrong ways, using all the wrong words.

I don't care if nobody understands. I never asked to be understood. All I asked for was to be left alone, free to be the person that I am.

And they won't let me.

At its worst point, they hounded me day and night and asked me all those questions, over and over again.

Have you lost your mind, Chun-Soo? Have you no more manners, no more common sense? What the hell were you thinking, Chun-Soo? What do you hope to achieve by all this? Why did you say the things you said? Do you regret it now?

Regret? No. Not regret. Regret brings nothing back. Regret is useless. Guilt, on the other hand...

Yes, I feel the guilt. Yes, I still have enough humanity left in me to feel guilty. And I do have a brain, mind you. And I'm pretty good at using it. Go away, you won't understand. Not even if I told you. And I won't tell you. I won't. Go write your stories, print your giant headlines with my face on it, curse and slam me all you want...because you won't be able to touch me no matter what you do. I won't budge. You can hurt me, but you will never change me.

I am what I am.

I am Lee Chun-Soo, and you can take it or leave it.

Hmmm... so easy to say that to myself, and so difficult to say it to anyone else. And on a cold, empty night like this, alone in my own house with no company save for the gentle breeze blowing from the beaches and the flicker of candles on my altar, it's even more difficult to keep that defiance going, so easy for the facade to crumble and let the truth be revealed.

Because in truth, I am scared to the core of my soul.

I'm scared of what might happen to me, scared of the extent of what I'd done, scared to think of what this might do in the long run. But what's done is done, and all I can do now is inspect the damage and think about how I'm going to weave my way through it.

My eyes are fixed firmly on the way the flames are dancing, painting flickering shadows on the walls of my bedroom. Prayer has softened much of the hard times, yes...but the more I prayed, the more questions arise. And maybe they were meant to. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. And if I guess correctly, if He is trying to tell me what I think He is, then I might have to make one more final, painful decision.

And I may have to make it sooner rather than later. Like, now.

I reach over to where my cell phone lies on the bed. Once again, I read the message, making sure that I'm not hallucinating it.

DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WE NEED TO TALK.

He's coming. Chong-Gug is coming. And he won't be all smiles and open arms, I can be sure of that. He sent that message about an hour ago. Judging by the distance between Busan and Ulsan, and the evening traffic, I expect him to be here any second now.

I glance at my altar and try to draw some comfort from it, because I know I will need all the strength I have to do what I'm about to do. I've planned it, thought about it, had doubts about it, thrown everything out and ended up right back where I started. It's the same question, the same nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I have to do this, and I have to do it now.

Silently I rise off the bed and go down to my knees in front of the altar, clasping my hands in front of me. For every night after that fateful evening, I've knelt here and prayed for myself, prayed for him, prayed for what we may have in the future. But as days wore on my own hopes failed me, and I remember all too well some of the words I said here.

-- Lord, I know you will not give me false hope. If he is not meant for me, then do not let me think so. --

Slowly I let out a long, deep exhale, hoping to flush out all my fears along with it. I cross myself and pull out the cross I wear around my neck, kissing it gently.

"Don't leave me now..." I whisper. "I need you."

I rise to my feet and walk outside my bedroom, going down the stairs to the living area. Everything feels so quiet, so empty, and I sit down on the couch and wait for him.

You wanna talk, Chong-Gug? Let's talk. But I don't think you're going to get what you expect to get out of me. I might have to hurt you once again. I might have to really, really hurt you this time. But after that, I will hurt you no more.

I hear the roar of an engine just outside the house and immediately get to my feet, telling my heart to calm itself down. From the window I see a silvery sedan pull into my driveway. A Hyundai XG - brand new, no less. Must have been the bonus they gave him as a parting gift. A top-end luxury car, which I'm assuming they'll ship off to Rotterdam after him once he goes there.

The front doors aren't locked, and I don't make any move to go to the foyer to greet him. Let him come in by his own accord. That way he knows that he's not all that welcome.

I sit myself back on the couch, not bothering to look to the doorway leading to the foyer.

"Chun-Soo? Chun-Soo, you in there?"

That voice. That voice. Just hearing it makes my blood race in my veins.

Hold yourself together, Chun-Soo. Don't give in. Stay where you are. Do what you must.

"Chun-Soo?"

He's inside now. I can hear his footsteps. I can feel his presence. I can feel the way my heart is threatening to pound its way straight out of my chest. Be strong, now. Remember what you have to do.

"Chun-Soo?"

He's here. He's with me.

Slowly I rise off the couch and turn my head to look at him. Song Chong-Gug, as beautiful as he was the first time I laid my eyes on him, tall and proud and brave and strong, every praise truly earned. How starkly different from me, from the immature little brat who just can't seem to keep his mouth shut.

"Chun-Soo..." he approaches me, wearing a faint, hesitant smile on his face.

I don't return it. I can't. "Why are you here, Chong-Gug?"

Is he shocked by my cold reception? I think so. "I...I need to talk to you."

I shrug my shoulders, trying to act nonchalant. "What about?"

His eyes flare up, and I see his struggle to bring himself under control. No, Chong-Gug. Just lose yourself. I know you're upset with me, why don't you just let it out? You'll make this much easier for both of us in the end.

"What about?" his voice starts to climb. "Do I really need to get down to the specifics with you?"

"Please do so...you've probably heard that I'm a little slow up here." I point a finger at my temple.

Chong-Gug shakes his head, and I can see his frustrations building. "That is not true, and you and I both know it."

"Well, some people would disagree..."

"Chun-Soo, what the hell are you doing?" he bursts suddenly. "Why are you doing this to yourself, and why are you doing this to me?"

His eyes are piercing me, and I fight the urge to flinch. I can't let him win. I can't. I have to do to this, I have to stand my ground.

"You always were the nice guy, weren't you?" I say under my breath, a sardonic smile breaking across my lips. "The good guy, the one who has no faults."

"Well I seem to have plenty of faults in that damn book of yours, don't I?" he snaps back sharply.

"Oh, that book..." I nod my head slowly. "I see where you're getting at now."

"Damnit, Chun-Soo!" he walks towards me, getting right in my face. The fire in his eyes is almost frightening to behold now, but I refuse to back away. This is what I expect. This is what must happen. It's not what I want, definitely...but what I want doesn't matter.

"Well, now I remember...I called you a 'womanizer', didn't I?" I say to his face, which is getting increasingly angry by the seconds. "Must've made that girlfriend of yours pretty upset, huh?"

"She is not my girlfriend..." he hisses sharply. "She's a good friend of mine, although she once was my girlfriend. I broke up with her a long time ago - before training camp, even. Before Seogwipo."

I know what he's expecting me to say, but I just stare defiantly into his eyes, waiting for him to continue it himself.

"Damnit, Chun-Soo..." he says, his resolve crumbling. "I broke up with her for you!"

"Oh, great..."I say sarcastically. "Are you expecting me to stand up and applaud to that? Give you a medal, maybe?"

That's the last straw for him. It all happens so quickly, but I see the way he draws back his arm, maybe without him even knowing it. I see the way his hand is coming down on me, like a slow motion replay, and I wait for what I know is coming.

He hit me, and the pain is his just as much as it is mine.

It wasn't a fist-balled punch from one guy to another. It was an open-handed slap, like the kind you give to a kid who behaves badly. And dare I say it, I've been bad. When a guy punches you, he still respects you as a man. With a slap, you're reduced to nothing.

It hurts. It really, really hurts. My jaw feels like it's been realigned, but I don't even budge from where I'm standing. I just look back straight at him, seeing the shock and pain color his eyes.

"Damn you..." he mutters through gritted teeth. "Why are you making me do this?"

Because I love you, stupid. Because you won't do it for yourself.

"You won't understand..."

"You won't even tell me to try and make me understand!" he cuts me off. "I loved you, and is this what I get?"

"Sure, play the hero now, Chong-Gug...play the good guy's part. That's what you're best at, isn't it?"

"Don't make me hit you again, you little brat..."

"Why not? Sure got your kicks out of it the first time around, didn't you?"

"Have you forgotten what happened here? That night, with Nam-Il, the captain, and Jung-Hwan? Have you forgotten the promise we made, what we said to each other?"

I remember. I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday. And that's exactly why I'm doing this, Chong-Gug. You may not understand it now, but someday...

"I remember."

"Then tell me, what the fuck do you think you're doing now!" he stomps his feet to the floor angrily. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Chong-Gug..."

"You're really trying to hurt me, aren't you?" he says.

"Suppose I am?"

"And may I ask why?" his eyes narrow into slits.

"Like I said, you won't understand."

"Then make me," he hisses. "Explain it, draw a diagram if you have to. Because I'm not leaving until I know what the fuck is wrong with you."

"Ah, that's the magic word, isn't it?" I say bitterly. "Something is wrong with me. There's always something 'wrong' with me."

"Chun-Soo..."

"So I guess you're just like everybody else after all, Chong-Gug."

"Stop it."

"It's me against the world now, isn't it? Everybody thinks there's something wrong with me, that I need to be 'fixed' somehow."

"Stop it!"

"I don't need to be fixed, and I certainly don't need you to do it for me!"

The second slap hurts even more than the first one. He hit me hard across my face, this time almost knocking me off my feet. I bring a hand to my face to inspect the damage and it comes away with blood on it. He's busted my lip open this time around. Well, good on you, Chong-Gug. Hope that makes you happy.

I lick the blood off my lips as I look back at him, trying to ignore the stinging pain. His eyes widen with shock as he realizes what he's done, but neither of us moves.

"Is this what you want?" he asks hoarsely. "You want to make me hate you?"

"Ask that to yourself." I reply. "You're smart enough to figure it out."

"Don't you love me anymore? Or is that question just going to earn me another cynical comment?" he says.

"Love was never part of the problem, Chong-Gug..." I say.

"You want me to walk out that door now, don't you? Forget about everything we once had, everything we can fight to have again?"

"Can we? Do you really believe that?"

"Don't you? I thought you had faith in me, Chun-Soo...and I thought you had faith in yourself."

"I still do."

"Then why? Have you lost your faith in...in God, maybe?"

"Don't even think of saying that!" I snap at him. "I have maybe more faith in God than I've ever had all my life, and that's why I'm doing this!"

I know I've stepped over the line now. I've probably let him know just a bit more than I want to, and now I have to try and explain it to him.

"What?" his look is one of utter confusion.

"You want answers?" I say as I wipe the blood off my chin. "Fine. I'll give you answers."

"You should've done it the minute I walked in..."

"Damnit, I'm trying to spare you more hurt than I've already caused! Now you're asking for the real thing!" I cut him off. "Come on, I'll show you what this is all about - if you think you can take it."

I walk right past him and onto the stairs leading to my bedroom, not bothering to look over my shoulder to see if he's following me. I hear his hesitant footsteps behind me as I step inside my bedroom, taking a stand beside the well-lit altar in front of my bed.

He walks inside a little tentatively, perhaps remembering what happened between us the last time we were here. When we parted ways, all smiles and gentle kisses...just recalling it threatens to bring tears to my eyes, but I hold back.

"You see this?" I gesture with my hand towards my altar. "Every night I kneel here, praying for you...just like I promised I would."

"Chun-Soo..."

"I prayed for the things we promised each other, Chong-Gug...that you and I will both learn self-control, that we will find the strength to stand on our own two feet, and that ultimately, we'll be together again."

"I prayed for that, too..."

"I know you do." I run my fingers along the polished wood of the table's surface. "But one day I said something to God that changed everything."

His eyes are looking at me with a confused look in them.

"I told Him that I don't want to have false hope. I told Him that if you and I aren't meant for each other, then don't let me think that we are."

"Chun-Soo..."

"I told Him that if I have to let you go, for good, then I want Him to tell me."

"No..."

"And I think that's exactly what He's telling me."

"Chun-Soo, no..."

"Everyday I pray, Chong-Gug...I still pray to this very moment. But do you know what happened? The more I prayed, the more I got a distinct feeling that I don't deserve what I'm praying for..."

"Please, Chun-Soo..."

"...and that's you."

There now, I've said it. Wasn't so hard. Wasn't so...oh, please, Chong-Gug...don't look at me like that. No, don't tell me that those are tears in your eyes, don't try and break me this way, don't...

"So that's why you're doing all this? You're trying to make me turn my back on you?"

"I'm letting you go." I say, feeling each word hanging heavy in the air between us. "Because I don't want to have to hurt you anymore."

"And you don't think you're hurting me right now?"

"I know I'm hurting you right now." I say. "But after this...I won't have to hurt you anymore."

"And you expect me to just play along, huh? Just play along to this plan of yours..."

"See, I know you wouldn't understand..."

"Is this what you want? Is this what you really, really want?"

"Of course it's not what I want!" I blurt out. "I want to believe, I want to believe that one day I'm going to look one way and find you there waiting for me, that I can be with you until I die, but this isn't about what I want!"

This outburst of mine shocks him, and I see his eyes go wide. "Chun-Soo..."

"I can't do this to you anymore, Chong-Gug...and I can't let you do it to me, either."

"What...what the hell are you talking about? Would I hurt you? Would I actually try to do something bad to you? You think I'd do that?"

I don't want to say this. I don't want him to see it from this viewpoint. But what else can I do now? All the carefully-laid plans have fallen apart, and I can't play this masquerade any longer. Now I have to let him know. Now I have to really, really hurt him. And this is not the pain I want to inflict on him. No, it should've been over a long while ago. He should've just walked out that door and be done with me. But he's still here, the anger long since gone from his eyes and the hostilily between us repla

"I could've stopped that book from going into press, you know..." I say. "...but I didn't."

"Chun-Soo..."

"At first I thought I said those things to protect you...protect you from me, even."

"What?"

"Because at that time I felt like one of these days I won't be able to hold myself back, that I was just going to burst out and tell the whole word: 'Hey, my name's Lee Chun-Soo, and I like to take it up the ass, but I'm not saying from who.'"

"And you thought calling me a 'womanizer' would save me from suspicion?"

"I wasn't thinking. But that's not why I let that remark get published."

"Now you're really confusing me..."

"I want you to see, Chong-Gug. I want you to see that this is the kind of person that I am. This is Lee Chun-Soo, and this is what you're getting."

"I've always...I've always accepted you for-"

"No, Chong-Gug." I cut him off. "You want me to change. Admit it. You want me to."

"Chun-Soo, I..." he throws his arms about, looking very flustered. "Even if I wanted to, I won't ask that of you. It's wrong. Nobody should be asked something like that."

"But you will." I say firmly. "One of these days, you will ask me to change. You will ask me to change for you."

"And when that happens, you will have to hate me." he says darkly. "And that's what you don't want."

I shake my head. "No, Chong-Gug...you're wrong."

"Wh-what?"

I walk up to him slowly, reaching up to caress his face with my hands. That beautiful face, the feel of his skin beneath my palms...

"When you ask me to change for you, I will have no choice but try. Because I love you too much to refuse."

"Chun-Soo..."

"And when I try, I will fail. And I will hurt both of us all over again. And that may be what finally brings me down in the end."

I see realization blossoming in his eyes, ehoing the pain I feel swelling in my chest. I shouldn't have to be saying this. He could've ended it by walking out the door and just leaving me. But now I've said it, and I know I've hurt him. Again.

"I...I didn't..."

"I've learned the hard way that you can't try to be somebody else and hope to get away with it. In my case, I might end up worse than where I started."

"Chun-Soo..." his tears are wetting my hands now, escaping through my fingers.

"But even knowing this, I won't be able to refuse it when you ask me to. I love you too much for that..."

Slowly, he sinks to his knees in front of me, and I go down with him, still holding his face in my hands. I watch as his eyes try to blink away the tears, but they just keep coming. My own have long since rolled down my face.

"I'm doing it again, aren't I?" he asks painfully. "I'm trying to build you those walls again, trying to hold you down..."

"No, you're not." I shake my head. "That's why I'm doing this. I'm trying to stop you before that happens."

He bites down on his lower lip as he looks at me. "We never learn, do we?"

"We learn. We learn all the time." I assure him. "I didn't...I didn't want to have to put you through this, Chong-Gug..."

"You thought it'd be easier if you just make me hate you somehow, and leave."

I nod slowly, letting out a deep breath. "Not the best of plans, but I didn't have much time to come up with it..."

"Chun-Soo, I love you." he says. "I don't know if I'll be able to stop, if I'll be able to forget..."

"And I love you." I bring my face closer to his. "Like I said, love isn't our problem..."

"I'm leaving tomorrow." he says suddenly. "Tomorrow afternoon, from Incheon."

For a few moments I'm unable to speak. Tomorrow? He's leaving tomorrow? For Rotterdam? For good?

"And I just didn't...I didn't want to sit on that plane with so many questions unanswered, I'd go nuts before we even fly over China that way."

"And that's why you came here..."

He nods slowly. "I'm sorry I hit you...God, I don't know what I was thinking..."

"Hey, you're not the first person to slap me around a bit..." I force a smile onto my lips. "It's okay, I'll be just fine."

"Chun-Soo..."

"You know, when I first found out that you were going to Feyenoord...I felt envious, at first. Very envious."

"I don't blame you."

"But you know what? The more I thought of it, the more it made sense to me. Maybe God planned this all along. You should be the first one to go. You definitely should go before I do. You deserve it more..."

"Don't say that."

"But it's true, Chong-Gug. You're the better player...and some will say you're the better man."

"The hell I am," he mutters. "If I were the better man I would not be doing this to you..."

"Chong-Gug, listen to me." I tilt his face to meet mine. "Go, and do your best. You don't need to make me proud because you've done that many many times before. This is what's meant to be for you, and I want you to go out and be the best that you can be."

He lets his forehead rest against mine, breath tickling at my upper lip. "I can't...I can't make you promise me anything."

"Then you promise me something." I say firmly. "Whatever you do while you're there...don't worry about me. Hell, don't even think of me, if that's what works."

"Chun-Soo..."

"I'm going to be just fine, do you hear me? I'm going to take care of myself, and I'm going to be just fine."

"Chun-Soo, I can't..."

"Let me go, Chong-Gug." I say finally, the words coming out painfully. "The way I'm letting you go."

"You really don't believe it anymore, do you? You don't believe that we still have a chance..."

"I want to believe." I say. "And if God wills it, I know we'll find a way. But if your happiness lies elsewhere, with another person, I want you to go after it."

"Chun-Soo..."

"Don't let me hold you back. And don't hold me back, either."

Slowly he moves in and kisses me, and I welcome him. How I've missed this, how I've missed this warm, gentle contact, the feeling of his body close to me, the way his arms go around me, the wonderful taste of his lips that I've never been able to forget...

It's not that we don't love each other enough. It's the other way around. And though on one side I know I can't be anyone else than the person that I am now, I don't want to hurt him either. When I come to that fork in the road, I will have to choose, and either way it's a dead end. I don't want to have to come to that choice, and that's why I'm doing this.

Finally he releases my lips, our tears mingling on each other's faces as we knelt there on the floor, the trails of moistness down his face highlighted by the dancing light of the candles on my altar.

"Where did we go wrong, Chun-Soo?" he asks longingly. "Why do we always end up like this?"

"Maybe we were wrong right from the start..." I say. "As much as we don't want to believe it."

"Can't we make it right? Can't we work it out?"

"Not now." I shake my head firmly. "And I don't know when, honestly."

"This is just like last time..." he mutters. "And it hurts even more."

I kiss his forehead gently, breathing the scent of his hair.

"Go home, Chong-Gug..." I whisper gently. "You've got a long flight tomorrow."

I want him to stay. I want him on that bed with me, holding me in his arms, moving together with our bodies joined, our limbs intertwined. I want to feel him inside of me, I want to feel his weight on top of me, I want to hold him and never let him go. But I can't have that.

"You'll still be praying for me, won't you?"

"That's one thing I'll never stop doing." I nod. "You can be sure of that."

He rises off the floor and pulls me up with him, drawin me straight into his embrace. I bury my head on his shoulder and we both hold each other for a long, long while, trying to find enough strength to let go. And when we do let go, I feel like a hollowness has been opened inside of me.

Silently we both walk back down the stairs, holding hands. I trace my fingers on his palm as we make our way through the living room, out to the foyer, and out of the door. He gives me one last, forlorn look and tries to smile, and I try my best to smile back.

"I love you." he says. "Let me say that one more time."

"I love you, too." I nod. "Now go...go and find your future."

He reaches out and hugs me one more time, and I blink back tears that are threatening to fall down my face again.

Then he releases me, and starts to walk towards the car.

Stay, don't go. Stay here, love me, hold me, tell me you'll always love me. Whisper words in my ears, make all my loneliness go away. Stay, don't leave me.

"Goodbye, Chun-Soo..." he says as he opens the door to his car.

"Goodbye..."

I watch as he disappears behind the filmed windows and listen as he starts up the engine. He backs out of the driveway and makes a little turn, and then I watch him speed away.

He's gone.

And he's not coming back anytime soon.

I wipe the last of the tears off my face and look up to the skies, where the stars are glittering down upon me.

"Thank you..." I say to the heavens. "Didn't quite go the way I planned, but I'm sure You had other plans."

Slowly I draw the cross out from my shirt and kiss it again. This is where I get my strength from, and I know that it's the only thing that can help me.

"I love you, Song Chong-Gug..." I whisper faintly as his headlights disappear down the edge of my street. "I love you."

~ FIN ~